Tiki
Junior Member
Posts โข 1,223
Likes โข 157
May 2008
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 13:31:35 GMT 1
Jokes!, by Tiki on Aug 4, 2008 13:31:35 GMT 1, Im having a bad day today! So i had the thought that it probably isnt just me, everyone generally has a bad day throughout the week (usually mondays).
So can we have a joke thread.
I'll get the ball rolling!
A man goes to the doctors, doctor invites him in, sits him down and says "what seems to be the trouble"?
The man says "well doc, for some time now i seem to be constantly acting like a cowboy".
The doctor asks "well how long have you been acting like this?"
The man replies " well about a yeehhaaaar!"
Im having a bad day today! So i had the thought that it probably isnt just me, everyone generally has a bad day throughout the week (usually mondays).
So can we have a joke thread.
I'll get the ball rolling!
A man goes to the doctors, doctor invites him in, sits him down and says "what seems to be the trouble"?
The man says "well doc, for some time now i seem to be constantly acting like a cowboy".
The doctor asks "well how long have you been acting like this?"
The man replies " well about a yeehhaaaar!"
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annar50
Junior Member
Posts โข 1,952
Likes โข 398
May 2008
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 14:54:00 GMT 1
Jokes!, by annar50 on Aug 4, 2008 14:54:00 GMT 1, bloke goes to buy a talking dog,
he gets there!
dog say's"alright mate?"
guy says "fuckin hell seen it all now".
dog says "ive won cruffs 5 times , been in famous films, sniffed out explosives in iraq and ran 8 marathons"
guy say's 2 the owner "why you selling him then?"owner says " cos he's a lying cunt"
bloke goes to buy a talking dog,
he gets there!
dog say's"alright mate?"
guy says "fuckin hell seen it all now".
dog says "ive won cruffs 5 times , been in famous films, sniffed out explosives in iraq and ran 8 marathons"
guy say's 2 the owner "why you selling him then?"owner says " cos he's a lying cunt"
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banksman
Junior Member
Posts โข 1,721
Likes โข 83
November 2006
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 16:28:29 GMT 1
Jokes!, by banksman on Aug 4, 2008 16:28:29 GMT 1, Here goes.........
What does a virgin and a parking space have in common??
All the best ones have been taken and all thats left are disabled.........
B...................
Here goes......... What does a virgin and a parking space have in common? ? All the best ones have been taken and all thats left are disabled......... B...................
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aj
New Member
Posts โข 351
Likes โข 4
August 2007
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 16:49:50 GMT 1
Jokes!, by aj on Aug 4, 2008 16:49:50 GMT 1, Man goes to the doctor and says "doctor, doctor, i've broken my arm in two places"
Doctor says "Don't go to those places"
Man goes to the doctor and says "doctor, doctor, i've broken my arm in two places" Doctor says "Don't go to those places"
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curiousgeorge
Junior Member
Posts โข 5,833
Likes โข 1,091
March 2007
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 17:55:46 GMT 1
Jokes!, by curiousgeorge on Aug 4, 2008 17:55:46 GMT 1, Two parrots sat on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"
Two parrots sat on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"
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christoffero
New Member
Posts โข 130
Likes โข 30
September 2007
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 18:08:01 GMT 1
Jokes!, by christoffero on Aug 4, 2008 18:08:01 GMT 1, What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've told her twice.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've told her twice.
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 18:18:28 GMT 1
Jokes!, by snakes on Aug 4, 2008 18:18:28 GMT 1, What's the difference between a woman and an oven?
An oven does not fart when you take the meat out.
What's the difference between a woman and an oven?
An oven does not fart when you take the meat out.
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Tiki
Junior Member
Posts โข 1,223
Likes โข 157
May 2008
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 18:26:07 GMT 1
Jokes!, by Tiki on Aug 4, 2008 18:26:07 GMT 1, Man and a little boy walking through the woods at dusk!
Kid say's to the man: "please i want to go home"
Man say's: "shut up! keep walking!"
few minutes later the kid starts again: "please! i want to go home im scared"
The man once again: "look! shut up kid!"
Once again the kid starts up: "please mister its getting dark i want to go home"
The man spins round on the kid and shouts: "look how do you think i feel i've got to walk back in this by myself!"
Man and a little boy walking through the woods at dusk!
Kid say's to the man: "please i want to go home"
Man say's: "shut up! keep walking!"
few minutes later the kid starts again: "please! i want to go home im scared"
The man once again: "look! shut up kid!"
Once again the kid starts up: "please mister its getting dark i want to go home"
The man spins round on the kid and shouts: "look how do you think i feel i've got to walk back in this by myself!"
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 18:38:35 GMT 1
Jokes!, by bostonlongstroke on Aug 4, 2008 18:38:35 GMT 1, An elderly couple gets pulled over on the freeway...
The officer asks the old man for his license and registration...
His little old wife yells from the passenger seat, "WHAT'D HE SAY?"...
The old man curtly replies, "HE SAID LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"...
Then the old man hands the officer his ID and Regi and says, "The old bag is hard of hearing"...
The officer then tells the old man he pulled him over for speeding...
"WHAT'D HE SAY???" yells the elderly woman, again...
"NEVERMIND!", snaps her elderly husband....
At that point, as the officer is writing the citation, he says to the old man, "You're from New Jersey?!... I had the worst lay of my life, in Jersey!"....
Which had the old woman leaning towards her already annoyed husband, shouting "WHAT'D HE SAY??"
To which the husband quickly replied, "HE SAID HE KNOWS YOU!!!"
A bit long-winded, but I've always gotten a small laugh outta that 1. My uncle tells me that joke every time I see him. All the while, thinkin' it's the 1st time he's told it to me. I just play along
An elderly couple gets pulled over on the freeway... The officer asks the old man for his license and registration... His little old wife yells from the passenger seat, "WHAT'D HE SAY?"... The old man curtly replies, "HE SAID LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"... Then the old man hands the officer his ID and Regi and says, "The old bag is hard of hearing"... The officer then tells the old man he pulled him over for speeding... "WHAT'D HE SAY???" yells the elderly woman, again... "NEVERMIND!", snaps her elderly husband.... At that point, as the officer is writing the citation, he says to the old man, "You're from New Jersey?!... I had the worst lay of my life, in Jersey!".... Which had the old woman leaning towards her already annoyed husband, shouting "WHAT'D HE SAY??" To which the husband quickly replied, "HE SAID HE KNOWS YOU!!!" A bit long-winded, but I've always gotten a small laugh outta that 1. My uncle tells me that joke every time I see him. All the while, thinkin' it's the 1st time he's told it to me. I just play along
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mcster
New Member
Posts โข 367
Likes โข 0
October 2007
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 18:41:12 GMT 1
Jokes!, by mcster on Aug 4, 2008 18:41:12 GMT 1, There's a '0' and an '8' walking through the desert. The zero looks at the eight and says "Aren't you hot with that belt on?"
There's a '0' and an '8' walking through the desert. The zero looks at the eight and says "Aren't you hot with that belt on?"
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 18:43:26 GMT 1
Jokes!, by bostonlongstroke on Aug 4, 2008 18:43:26 GMT 1, Time flies like an arrow...
Fruit flies like bananas!
Time flies like an arrow...
Fruit flies like bananas!
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Joe J
New Member
Posts โข 723
Likes โข 0
March 2007
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 19:48:36 GMT 1
Jokes!, by Joe J on Aug 4, 2008 19:48:36 GMT 1, A baby seal walks into a club...
A baby seal walks into a club...
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Joe J
New Member
Posts โข 723
Likes โข 0
March 2007
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 19:49:48 GMT 1
Jokes!, by Joe J on Aug 4, 2008 19:49:48 GMT 1, How do you stop your neighbors children from playing in your backyard? Molest them.
How do you stop your neighbors children from playing in your backyard? Molest them.
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tickz
New Member
Posts โข 179
Likes โข 9
May 2007
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 20:13:44 GMT 1
Jokes!, by tickz on Aug 4, 2008 20:13:44 GMT 1, Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella??
Fa drizzle
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella??
Fa drizzle
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ratpack
New Member
Posts โข 353
Likes โข 4
September 2006
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 20:41:36 GMT 1
Jokes!, by ratpack on Aug 4, 2008 20:41:36 GMT 1, Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?? Fa drizzle
Q. What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
A. Dr Dre
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?? Fa drizzle Q. What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? A. Dr Dre
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Tiki
Junior Member
Posts โข 1,223
Likes โข 157
May 2008
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 21:05:50 GMT 1
Jokes!, by Tiki on Aug 4, 2008 21:05:50 GMT 1, A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, "What'll you have?"
The duck says, "Got any pickles?"
The bartender spits and says "We don't have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any pickles?"
The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: "Got any pickles?"
The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you two times we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"
With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: "Got any nails?"
The bartender, puzzled, said "No."
The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any pickles?"
A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, "What'll you have?"
The duck says, "Got any pickles?"
The bartender spits and says "We don't have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any pickles?"
The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: "Got any pickles?"
The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you two times we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"
With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: "Got any nails?"
The bartender, puzzled, said "No."
The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any pickles?"
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Deleted
Posts โข 0
Likes โข
January 1970
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 21:11:28 GMT 1
Jokes!, by Deleted on Aug 4, 2008 21:11:28 GMT 1, Hahahaha i like that one.. v good.
Hahahaha i like that one.. v good.
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atomone
Junior Member
Posts โข 1,972
Likes โข 753
Member is Online
October 2007
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 21:37:14 GMT 1
Jokes!, by atomone on Aug 4, 2008 21:37:14 GMT 1, A man walks into the doctors wrapped in cling film...
The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts!
A man walks into the doctors wrapped in cling film...
The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts!
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BK83
Junior Member
Posts โข 1,604
Likes โข 10
October 2006
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 22:13:38 GMT 1
Jokes!, by BK83 on Aug 4, 2008 22:13:38 GMT 1, a mushroom walks into a bar, to which the Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve your kind around here". To which the Mushroom replies "come on -- I'm a fungi..."
a mushroom walks into a bar, to which the Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve your kind around here". To which the Mushroom replies "come on -- I'm a fungi..."
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funster
Junior Member
Posts โข 2,256
Likes โข 0
October 2006
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Jokes!
Aug 5, 2008 0:35:58 GMT 1
Jokes!, by funster on Aug 5, 2008 0:35:58 GMT 1, What do you call a dog with 3 legs?
Who gives a shit, it's never gonna run to you
What do you call a dog with 3 legs? Who gives a shit, it's never gonna run to you
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funster
Junior Member
Posts โข 2,256
Likes โข 0
October 2006
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Jokes!
Aug 5, 2008 0:44:42 GMT 1
Jokes!, by funster on Aug 5, 2008 0:44:42 GMT 1, Princess Diana and the Queen are driving along in a Range Rover when suddenly from no where masked gun men jump from the hedges and pull them over...
The gunman says to Diana "You're the most beautiful woman in the world and we want all of your jewelery" Diana replies, "You're right, I am the most beautiful woman in the world, that's why I don't need jewelery".
Flummoxed but undeterred they turn to the Queen and say "You are the richest woman in the world, give us all your money", the Queen calmly replies, "I'm the Queen, for that reason I need carry no cash".
Now totally flummoxed the robbers race off into the distance taking the Range Rover with them. Whilst reviewing the situation Diana asks Her Majesty "What did you really do with the money?" to which she replies, "I saw them coming so I hid it all in my pu**y!". The Queen then asks "So, what did you do with the jewelery?" Diana replies, "Simple, I saw them coming and hid it in my pu**y too."
The Queen sighs, "If only Fergie was with us we could have saved the Range Rover"
Princess Diana and the Queen are driving along in a Range Rover when suddenly from no where masked gun men jump from the hedges and pull them over... The gunman says to Diana "You're the most beautiful woman in the world and we want all of your jewelery" Diana replies, "You're right, I am the most beautiful woman in the world, that's why I don't need jewelery". Flummoxed but undeterred they turn to the Queen and say "You are the richest woman in the world, give us all your money", the Queen calmly replies, "I'm the Queen, for that reason I need carry no cash". Now totally flummoxed the robbers race off into the distance taking the Range Rover with them. Whilst reviewing the situation Diana asks Her Majesty "What did you really do with the money?" to which she replies, "I saw them coming so I hid it all in my pu**y!". The Queen then asks "So, what did you do with the jewelery?" Diana replies, "Simple, I saw them coming and hid it in my pu**y too." The Queen sighs, "If only Fergie was with us we could have saved the Range Rover"
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Jokes!
Aug 5, 2008 1:18:08 GMT 1
Jokes!, by Guest on Aug 5, 2008 1:18:08 GMT 1, bruce forsyth and a horse walk into a pub and the barman asks bruce "why the long face"
bruce forsyth and a horse walk into a pub and the barman asks bruce "why the long face"
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Jokes!
Aug 5, 2008 1:24:23 GMT 1
Jokes!, by Coach on Aug 5, 2008 1:24:23 GMT 1, bruce forsyth and a horse walk into a pub and the barman asks bruce "why the long face"
Noooo Surely.....
bruce forsyth and a horse walk into a pub and the barman asks bruce "why the long face" Noooo Surely.....
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jed100375
New Member
Posts โข 333
Likes โข 0
January 2008
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Jokes!
Aug 5, 2008 9:29:34 GMT 1
Jokes!, by jed100375 on Aug 5, 2008 9:29:34 GMT 1, Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr Dre
Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr Dre
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jed100375
New Member
Posts โข 333
Likes โข 0
January 2008
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Jokes!
Aug 5, 2008 9:31:00 GMT 1
Jokes!, by jed100375 on Aug 5, 2008 9:31:00 GMT 1, Just so its fair....
Whats pastey and rhymes with D12?
Emenm
Just so its fair....
Whats pastey and rhymes with D12?
Emenm
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robinbanks
Junior Member
Posts โข 1,319
Likes โข 2
October 2007
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Jokes!
Aug 5, 2008 9:32:25 GMT 1
Jokes!, by robinbanks on Aug 5, 2008 9:32:25 GMT 1, What do you call a dog with 3 legs? Who gives a s**t, it's never gonna run to you
I wouldn't be so sure, funster!
What do you call a dog with 3 legs? Who gives a s**t, it's never gonna run to you I wouldn't be so sure, funster!
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jed100375
New Member
Posts โข 333
Likes โข 0
January 2008
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Jokes!
Aug 5, 2008 9:46:10 GMT 1
Jokes!, by jed100375 on Aug 5, 2008 9:46:10 GMT 1, Did you hear about the famous actress that got stabbed?
Reece winter... Reece wither... Reece withers
Grrrrrr
Whats her name?
Did you hear about the famous actress that got stabbed?
Reece winter... Reece wither... Reece withers
Grrrrrr
Whats her name?
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funster
Junior Member
Posts โข 2,256
Likes โข 0
October 2006
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Jokes!
Aug 5, 2008 9:46:47 GMT 1
Jokes!, by funster on Aug 5, 2008 9:46:47 GMT 1, Wow, that's amazing!
Wow, that's amazing!
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jed100375
New Member
Posts โข 333
Likes โข 0
January 2008
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Jokes!
Aug 5, 2008 9:51:53 GMT 1
Jokes!, by jed100375 on Aug 5, 2008 9:51:53 GMT 1, Did you hear about the famous actress that got stabbed?
Reece winter... Reece wither... Reece withers
Grrrrrr
Whats her name?
Can anyone remember her name?
Did you hear about the famous actress that got stabbed?
Reece winter... Reece wither... Reece withers
Grrrrrr
Whats her name?
Can anyone remember her name?
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robinbanks
Junior Member
Posts โข 1,319
Likes โข 2
October 2007
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Jokes!
Aug 5, 2008 9:54:11 GMT 1
Jokes!, by robinbanks on Aug 5, 2008 9:54:11 GMT 1, Reece Witherknife?
Reece Witherknife?
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