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Jokes!
Sept 10, 2008 12:11:42 GMT 1
Jokes!, by insite on Sept 10, 2008 12:11:42 GMT 1, Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock Who's there ? Michael J Fox ! This is the little sort that was in Back to the Future yes?, can the person who is asking "Whose there?" not see him as he is in the future? is that it?. haha v good.
No he's got Parkinsons.
Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock Who's there ? Michael J Fox ! This is the little sort that was in Back to the Future yes?, can the person who is asking "Whose there?" not see him as he is in the future? is that it?. haha v good. No he's got Parkinsons.
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Deleted
Posts โข 0
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January 1970
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Jokes!
Sept 10, 2008 12:15:19 GMT 1
Jokes!, by Deleted on Sept 10, 2008 12:15:19 GMT 1, This is the little sort that was in Back to the Future yes?, can the person who is asking "Whose there?" not see him as he is in the future? is that it?. haha v good. No he's got Parkinsons.
Oh i see.
This is the little sort that was in Back to the Future yes?, can the person who is asking "Whose there?" not see him as he is in the future? is that it?. haha v good. No he's got Parkinsons. Oh i see.
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Jokes!
Sept 10, 2008 12:15:39 GMT 1
Jokes!, by stender on Sept 10, 2008 12:15:39 GMT 1, A couple are at an Art exhibition and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts three very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; two have a black p***s and the one in the middle has a pink p***s. As the couple are looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "can I help you with this painting. I'm the artist who painted it." The man says, "well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have three African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink p***s while the other two have black penises." The Irish artist says, "oh, you are misinterpreting the painting. They are not African men, they are Irish coal miners, and the one in the middle went home for lunch."
A couple are at an Art exhibition and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts three very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; two have a black p***s and the one in the middle has a pink p***s. As the couple are looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "can I help you with this painting. I'm the artist who painted it." The man says, "well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have three African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink p***s while the other two have black penises." The Irish artist says, "oh, you are misinterpreting the painting. They are not African men, they are Irish coal miners, and the one in the middle went home for lunch."
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Deleted
Posts โข 0
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January 1970
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Jokes!
Sept 10, 2008 12:20:26 GMT 1
Jokes!, by Deleted on Sept 10, 2008 12:20:26 GMT 1, Hahaha Stender, v funny and a bit (rude)!, he had washed it at lunchtime hahaha.
Hahaha Stender, v funny and a bit (rude)!, he had washed it at lunchtime hahaha.
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scottc
New Member
Posts โข 154
Likes โข 46
October 2007
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Jokes!
Sept 10, 2008 12:35:48 GMT 1
Jokes!, by scottc on Sept 10, 2008 12:35:48 GMT 1, I know most of you are dog lovers and will help us. Our neighbour has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him.
She does a lot of traveling and always takes her dog with her.
Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She called out for her puppy with no response, and the back door was open.
She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please let me know and I will notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated.
;D[/quote]
I know most of you are dog lovers and will help us. Our neighbour has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him. She does a lot of traveling and always takes her dog with her. Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She called out for her puppy with no response, and the back door was open. She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please let me know and I will notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated. ;D[/quote]
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Deleted
Posts โข 0
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January 1970
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Jokes!
Sept 10, 2008 12:43:25 GMT 1
Jokes!, by Deleted on Sept 10, 2008 12:43:25 GMT 1, I know most of you are dog lovers and will help us. Our neighbour has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him. She does a lot of traveling and always takes her dog with her. Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She called out for her puppy with no response, and the back door was open. She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please let me know and I will notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated. [/quote]
Can you tell us the area? also have you notified the relevant authorities?.
I know most of you are dog lovers and will help us. Our neighbour has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him. She does a lot of traveling and always takes her dog with her. Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She called out for her puppy with no response, and the back door was open. She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please let me know and I will notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated. [/quote] Can you tell us the area? also have you notified the relevant authorities?.
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Jokes!
Sept 10, 2008 12:47:24 GMT 1
Jokes!, by jonpud on Sept 10, 2008 12:47:24 GMT 1, Paddy and Michael save up their money every year for a Moose hunting expidition in Canada. They arrive in Canada where a sea plane takes them to the usual remote lake in a velley between the mountains and drops them off at the small wooden jetty to one side of the lake.
Once all their hunting and camping gear is unloaded from the plane the pilot tells them that he will be back to pick them up at the same time, same place the following week, he also reminds them that regardless of how many moose they shoot, they can only take one back on the plane. Paddy and Michael wave off the pilot as he takes off from the waters surface and dissapears over the tree line from view, the boys then head off into the forest in search of moose.
A week passes and as agreed Paddy and Michael are stood on the timber jetty as the pilot returns and makes a perfect landing on the small stretch of water, he circles and pulls up to the jetty. The pilot jumps out and helps the boys load their camping gear into the small plane, as he is doing so he notices two moose lying at the side of the lake. 'Fuck's sake guys, I told you we could only take one moose back' Paddy looks at him and says 'Jeez mate, whats the problem, the pilot last year took two!' 'I don't give a shit what the pilot did last year I can only take one' Michael turns and says'Well you obviously aint as good a pilot as last years then!' The pilot is pissed at Michael's remark and angrily tells them to load both moose on the plane.
Once on board the pilot starts up the single prop and slowly takes the plane to the very end of the lake, he throws open full throttle and the plane slowly increases speed, beads of sweat are running down the pilots face as it slowly lifts and bounces on the surface of the water. 'Come on you bitch, come on' the pilot shouts as the plane clears the surface, sadly the plane doesn't get enough height and crashes into the trees at the far end of the lake. Pieces of the plane are sent in all directions, Paddy, Micael, the pilot and the moose are sent flying landing in the undergrowth.
An hour passes and Michael regains consciousness, he slowly sits up and looks around, rubbing his forehead and trying to regain focus as he does so. He can see the figure of a man just behind him and he realises it's his mate Paddy. 'Jeeez Paddy, where the fuck are we' he asks in a confused state. Paddy looks behind, to each side and then at Micheal, 'I think we're about 150 yards further on than we were last year mate!' he says.
Thank - you, I'll get my coat!!!!!!!!
Paddy and Michael save up their money every year for a Moose hunting expidition in Canada. They arrive in Canada where a sea plane takes them to the usual remote lake in a velley between the mountains and drops them off at the small wooden jetty to one side of the lake.
Once all their hunting and camping gear is unloaded from the plane the pilot tells them that he will be back to pick them up at the same time, same place the following week, he also reminds them that regardless of how many moose they shoot, they can only take one back on the plane. Paddy and Michael wave off the pilot as he takes off from the waters surface and dissapears over the tree line from view, the boys then head off into the forest in search of moose.
A week passes and as agreed Paddy and Michael are stood on the timber jetty as the pilot returns and makes a perfect landing on the small stretch of water, he circles and pulls up to the jetty. The pilot jumps out and helps the boys load their camping gear into the small plane, as he is doing so he notices two moose lying at the side of the lake. 'Fuck's sake guys, I told you we could only take one moose back' Paddy looks at him and says 'Jeez mate, whats the problem, the pilot last year took two!' 'I don't give a shit what the pilot did last year I can only take one' Michael turns and says'Well you obviously aint as good a pilot as last years then!' The pilot is pissed at Michael's remark and angrily tells them to load both moose on the plane.
Once on board the pilot starts up the single prop and slowly takes the plane to the very end of the lake, he throws open full throttle and the plane slowly increases speed, beads of sweat are running down the pilots face as it slowly lifts and bounces on the surface of the water. 'Come on you bitch, come on' the pilot shouts as the plane clears the surface, sadly the plane doesn't get enough height and crashes into the trees at the far end of the lake. Pieces of the plane are sent in all directions, Paddy, Micael, the pilot and the moose are sent flying landing in the undergrowth.
An hour passes and Michael regains consciousness, he slowly sits up and looks around, rubbing his forehead and trying to regain focus as he does so. He can see the figure of a man just behind him and he realises it's his mate Paddy. 'Jeeez Paddy, where the fuck are we' he asks in a confused state. Paddy looks behind, to each side and then at Micheal, 'I think we're about 150 yards further on than we were last year mate!' he says.
Thank - you, I'll get my coat!!!!!!!!
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Deleted
Posts โข 0
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January 1970
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Jokes!
Sept 10, 2008 12:49:42 GMT 1
Jokes!, by Deleted on Sept 10, 2008 12:49:42 GMT 1, Hahaha v good Pud!.
Hahaha v good Pud!.
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David
New Member
Posts โข 57
Likes โข 0
January 2006
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Jokes!
Sept 10, 2008 14:03:08 GMT 1
Jokes!, by David on Sept 10, 2008 14:03:08 GMT 1, A friend tried injecting curry powder last week.............
Sadly he fell into a Korma.
LOL
A friend tried injecting curry powder last week.............
Sadly he fell into a Korma.
LOL
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leeoman
New Member
Posts โข 595
Likes โข 126
October 2007
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Jokes!
Sept 10, 2008 14:22:54 GMT 1
Jokes!, by leeoman on Sept 10, 2008 14:22:54 GMT 1, I know most of you are dog lovers and will help us. Our neighbour has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him. She does a lot of traveling and always takes her dog with her. Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She called out for her puppy with no response, and the back door was open. She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please let me know and I will notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated. ;D [/quote]
Has it been lost for long?
I know most of you are dog lovers and will help us. Our neighbour has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him. She does a lot of traveling and always takes her dog with her. Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She called out for her puppy with no response, and the back door was open. She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please let me know and I will notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated. ;D [/quote] Has it been lost for long?
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Jokes!
Sept 11, 2008 20:18:26 GMT 1
Jokes!, by stender on Sept 11, 2008 20:18:26 GMT 1, Whats Green and smells like yellow paint?
Green Paint.
Whats Green and smells like yellow paint?
Green Paint.
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tickz
New Member
Posts โข 179
Likes โข 9
May 2007
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Jokes!
Sept 11, 2008 22:14:56 GMT 1
Jokes!, by tickz on Sept 11, 2008 22:14:56 GMT 1, One of Britain's top paralympians has been sent home in disgrace after testing positive for WD40
One of Britain's top paralympians has been sent home in disgrace after testing positive for WD40
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craigf
Full Member
Posts โข 8,557
Likes โข 846
May 2007
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Jokes!
Sept 11, 2008 22:40:55 GMT 1
Jokes!, by craigf on Sept 11, 2008 22:40:55 GMT 1, Apologies for the stereotyping, but...
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE....
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. .. And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
belated apologies that its also a bit of an old joke
Apologies for the stereotyping, but... Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!' THERE'S MORE.... Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' IT IS NOT OVER YET... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. .. And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!' belated apologies that its also a bit of an old joke
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Standard
New Member
Posts โข 908
Likes โข 238
August 2008
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Jokes!
Dec 25, 2008 11:56:12 GMT 1
Jokes!, by Standard on Dec 25, 2008 11:56:12 GMT 1, Stephen Hawking is in intensive care with 2 broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and a shattered hip.........
Apparently, he went on a date last night and she stood him up !
Stephen Hawking is in intensive care with 2 broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and a shattered hip.........
Apparently, he went on a date last night and she stood him up !
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Studiocromie
Art Gallery
New Member
Posts โข 858
Likes โข 1
March 2007
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Jokes!
Dec 25, 2008 22:47:22 GMT 1
Jokes!, by Studiocromie on Dec 25, 2008 22:47:22 GMT 1, thanks guys even with my poor english skills i've had a lot of fun reading this thread a
thanks guys even with my poor english skills i've had a lot of fun reading this thread a
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thesewalls
New Member
Posts โข 653
Likes โข 184
September 2007
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Jokes!
Dec 26, 2008 0:10:34 GMT 1
Jokes!, by thesewalls on Dec 26, 2008 0:10:34 GMT 1, my friend was remembering his first blow job...day dreaming with a smile on his face. i asked him "how long did it take the guy to cum!?"
my friend was remembering his first blow job...day dreaming with a smile on his face. i asked him "how long did it take the guy to cum!?"
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low3
New Member
Posts โข 28
Likes โข 10
November 2010
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Jokes!
Dec 26, 2008 2:34:12 GMT 1
Jokes!, by low3 on Dec 26, 2008 2:34:12 GMT 1, A police man on a horse stops a little girl on a bicycle. He says to her "did Santa bring you that?", she says "yes, he sure did". The policeman replies "well next time tell him to put a reflector on the wheels to stop you getting run over". He then fines her ยฃ25.
The girl turns and looks at him..... "that's a nice horse, did Santa bring you that?" "He sure did!" replies the cop. "Well tell him next time, the Cock goes under the horse, not on top of it"......
A police man on a horse stops a little girl on a bicycle. He says to her "did Santa bring you that?", she says "yes, he sure did". The policeman replies "well next time tell him to put a reflector on the wheels to stop you getting run over". He then fines her ยฃ25.
The girl turns and looks at him..... "that's a nice horse, did Santa bring you that?" "He sure did!" replies the cop. "Well tell him next time, the Cock goes under the horse, not on top of it"......
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low3
New Member
Posts โข 28
Likes โข 10
November 2010
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Jokes!
Dec 26, 2008 2:35:35 GMT 1
Jokes!, by low3 on Dec 26, 2008 2:35:35 GMT 1, Whats black and screams??
Stevie Wonder answering the iron....
Whats black and screams??
Stevie Wonder answering the iron....
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uksnowman
New Member
Posts โข 326
Likes โข 0
August 2007
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Jokes!
Dec 26, 2008 12:44:04 GMT 1
Jokes!, by uksnowman on Dec 26, 2008 12:44:04 GMT 1, Some bad but easy to remember pub jokes...
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug
What do you call a man with three eyes? Seymour
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool? Bob
What do you call an Irishman thrown against the wall? Rick O'Shay
What do you call a woman with no legs? Noleen
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen
What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg? Irene
Some bad but easy to remember pub jokes...
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug
What do you call a man with three eyes? Seymour
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool? Bob
What do you call an Irishman thrown against the wall? Rick O'Shay
What do you call a woman with no legs? Noleen
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen
What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg? Irene
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will
New Member
Posts โข 324
Likes โข 0
February 2008
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Jokes!
Dec 27, 2008 22:00:29 GMT 1
Jokes!, by will on Dec 27, 2008 22:00:29 GMT 1, Whats a womans view of life?
OUT OF THE KITCHEN WINDOW
Whats a womans view of life?
OUT OF THE KITCHEN WINDOW
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Jokes!
Dec 28, 2008 8:40:47 GMT 1
Jokes!, by veralynn on Dec 28, 2008 8:40:47 GMT 1, Tony Blair was sitting on his settee on day, when Cherie walked in with a huge smile on her face.
Tony goes ' what the fuck are you looking so happy about?' to which Cherie replies 'I've just been to the Doctor and he tells me that I have the pert breasts of a 23 year old...'
Tony retorts 'what did he say about your saggy, 54 year old arse then?' - Cheire says 'He didn't mention you at all....'
P.S. Loved Ronhill's 'fish'
Tony Blair was sitting on his settee on day, when Cherie walked in with a huge smile on her face.
Tony goes ' what the fuck are you looking so happy about?' to which Cherie replies 'I've just been to the Doctor and he tells me that I have the pert breasts of a 23 year old...'
Tony retorts 'what did he say about your saggy, 54 year old arse then?' - Cheire says 'He didn't mention you at all....'
P.S. Loved Ronhill's 'fish'
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Jokes!
Dec 28, 2008 8:42:40 GMT 1
Jokes!, by veralynn on Dec 28, 2008 8:42:40 GMT 1, How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They moved the furniture in the living room around.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They moved the furniture in the living room around.
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Standard
New Member
Posts โข 908
Likes โข 238
August 2008
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Jokes!
Dec 28, 2008 13:27:42 GMT 1
Jokes!, by Standard on Dec 28, 2008 13:27:42 GMT 1, An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play ANY musical instrument you like"
Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays beautifully, almost better than Hendrix himself.
Irishman gives him a piano which he tickles those ivory keys with his tentacles and almost plays better then Elton.
Scotsman throws him a set of bag pipes.
The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the scotsman says " whats wrong - can ye no play it?".
The octopus says "play it ? .............. I'm gonna f*#k her brains out once I get her pyjamas off ! "
An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play ANY musical instrument you like"
Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays beautifully, almost better than Hendrix himself.
Irishman gives him a piano which he tickles those ivory keys with his tentacles and almost plays better then Elton.
Scotsman throws him a set of bag pipes.
The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the scotsman says " whats wrong - can ye no play it?".
The octopus says "play it ? .............. I'm gonna f*#k her brains out once I get her pyjamas off ! "
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Jokes!
Dec 28, 2008 13:40:58 GMT 1
Jokes!, by wiz on Dec 28, 2008 13:40:58 GMT 1, Excellent Standard! laughed my brains out!.
Excellent Standard! laughed my brains out!.
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linkd95
Junior Member
Posts โข 1,034
Likes โข 0
July 2008
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Jokes!
Dec 28, 2008 13:51:51 GMT 1
Jokes!, by linkd95 on Dec 28, 2008 13:51:51 GMT 1, hahahahahahah very FUNNY JOKES!
hahahahahahah very FUNNY JOKES!
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Deleted
Posts โข 0
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January 1970
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Jokes!
Dec 28, 2008 16:14:13 GMT 1
Jokes!, by Deleted on Dec 28, 2008 16:14:13 GMT 1, An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play ANY musical instrument you like" Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays beautifully, almost better than Hendrix himself. Irishman gives him a piano which he tickles those ivory keys with his tentacles and almost plays better then Elton. Scotsman throws him a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the scotsman says " whats wrong - can ye no play it?". The octopus says "play it ? .............. I'm gonna f*#k her brains out once I get her pyjamas off ! "
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play ANY musical instrument you like" Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays beautifully, almost better than Hendrix himself. Irishman gives him a piano which he tickles those ivory keys with his tentacles and almost plays better then Elton. Scotsman throws him a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the scotsman says " whats wrong - can ye no play it?". The octopus says "play it ? .............. I'm gonna f*#k her brains out once I get her pyjamas off ! " ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Jokes!
Dec 28, 2008 16:52:58 GMT 1
Jokes!, by cannaebefannied on Dec 28, 2008 16:52:58 GMT 1, What's better than winning gold at the special olympics ?
Ice Crrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeaaaaammmmmm !
What's better than winning gold at the special olympics ?
Ice Crrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeaaaaammmmmm !
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