My first offering.

A vintage saree advertising counter display. This thing is shiny and spectacular.

Look at it.

LOOK AT IT!!!

If this doesn't bring joy to your heart, you're probably dead inside.

I would like to swap the following for a lovely, glittery Paul Insect print:

Violent Femmes cassette tape, 1983, good condition. Seminal album from iconic American band. Dolby B-Type noise reduction included. Includes classic tracks such as ‘Add It Up’, ‘Blister in the Sun’ and ‘Gone Daddy Gone’.

My second offering.

A toy rubber mouse with a flip-phone.

For your consideration, a very important mouse.

What is the mouse talking about? Who knows, but it looks important. Maybe he's an international arms dealer? Maybe he's in charge of a large hedge fund - a very stressful profession? Perhaps he's calling his wife to say he's going to be home late because there's an emergency at work, but really he's planning to take his secretary up the Travelodge?

If you choose this item, with a bit of practice and imagination, you too will be able to hear his tiny phone conversations in your mind and on a daily basis.

London A-Z. Vital back-up plan in the event of total network failure or Sat nav issues. Old school.

My SWAP SHOP offer is this pocket size hot under the collar book GRIP OF FEAR,
The book was found my myself along with a horde of (in this instance il call them) rhythm magazines hidden under the floorboards while doing work on house that must of been left there by a pervert of yesteryear.

....the Offer is the mentioned booklet but I'd be happy to bless you with the rest of the jazz mags if you so wish (WARNING!... some pages may be stuck together)

Nice for collector's items or even a vintage wa*k.

Thanks for your consideration.
Rj

I will offer up this must have... well you can judge.

We all are aware that chickens exist, and I've always found them to be quite boring animals, with a bit of a strange existence (if you remove food bred ones), so I'll offer this Tutu, that, if nothing more will make you enjoy, smile or even think.. wtf!

For the love of God, let's make a chicken pretty Paul 🤣

This Rainbow Tutu for a chicken of your choice (Chicken not included) is my offering.

Yes…exactly... with the risk of ending up on the ground 😂

My third offering.

A large plush doll of Jack the Ripper's final victim, as well as a handful of pieces of the surface of Whitechapel Road, London.

Hear me out.

When I was about 7, I went through a bit of a Jack the Ripper phase. Nobody knows why, certainly not me, my parents, and sadly not the therapists. It was shortly after my more socially acceptable dinosaur phase, and just before my Titanic phase.

Anyway, I really wanted to visit the East End of London. I thought that if I could go there, immerse myself in the location, I might finally be able to solve this previously unsolved series of gruesome murders. One day, after a furious argument with my mother, my father decided to finally take me to London.

I'll never forget, after arriving in central London, the way he said to me, "Be back at the car by 3 or I'll leave without you." That and when I finally found the car again, "We'd better get back before your mother calls the police."

So I was walking down the Whitechapel Road, when I observed some workmen digging a hole in the road.

"Excuse me, good man. Is this the same road surface that Jack the Ripper would've walked down?"

The man replied that, knowing the council, it probably was. I then asked if he knew the locations of the Rippers victims nearby, but he said he didn't. I then asked whether I could take some pieces of the road, as a souvenir. 

The workman replied, "I don't see why not, you horrible little sh*t. Fill yer boots."

So I took a handful of pieces and then left.

For your consideration, and I fully admit this is a bit niche and more for the criminology fans, a handful of road surface from Whitechapel Road, as well as a plush doll of Mary Jane Kelly.

After finding out I was into Jack the Ripper, a family friend, who was 79 and had recently been released from prison, made and gifted me a full set of the 5 canonical victims of Jack the Ripper, in plush, for Christmas. I know, I know, but I was 7, it was the 1980s, and...what can you do? While we know her eyes were blue, there's some debate about Mary Kelly's hair colour, so the maker decided to go with a chestnut red colour, which she's often been described and depicted as having. I think it might be real human hair too, which frankly nobody asked for.

I only have Mary Kelly left. Two of the other victims were destroyed and presumed lost in a house fire, and the other two, rats got them after they were stored in a shed. She's missing one of her shoes, but I think that's the very least problematic element of all this, and shouldn't detract from the overall....thing.



Edit: Found her other shoe.

My SWAP offer: I will supply a YEAR WORTH of Toenail and fingernail clippings and will be presented in a luxury small presentation box, along with the clipper itself.

My fourth offering.

For your consideration, a rare 2-headed Godzilla squeaky toy.

This is truly one of those money-can't-buy items. Believed to have been made in the 1980s, only 5 of these are currently known to exist, and they have all mysteriously been found and sourced from the island of Tenerife, where it's believed they were sold as dog toys. You can't find these anywhere else. You can't. You had to go to Tenerife and search through obscure island stores, speak to people, you had to go on a quest.

It's rubber, it squeaks, drives dogs wild, so there's a good chance that not many of these have survived. Why it's only found on the island of Tenerife - nobody knows. In the age of information, this is one of those remaining mysteries.

It's a very rare Godzilla item, frankly it's easier to find the actual Godzilla than it is one of these. Post a picture of it on one of those Godzilla fan sites, and watch those kaiju anoraks positively lose their minds. I genuinely don't want to get rid of this, and if you choose it, I will kick and scream like a toddler.

Choose this item and be one of only 5 owners in the world. Be a legend. 

Dear Paul,

I spotted a teddy bear in one of your stories alone like all the old teddy bears. Mine still bears the scars of my childhood and looks worried, worried, very unhappy, in his rocking chair (included). "Old teddy bear", that's his name, was dressed by my daughter, as a "boy" with his overalls (included) and as a (girl) with his nightie... I fear that he will be abandoned during my death and I prefer to know it by your side forever, than to end up in a trash can (the children have grown up and left)... So he will join yours and they will never be alone again. Born in 1951, it belonged to my brother then living on a farm in the countryside. In 59, he came to my bed to protect me because Old Teddy Bear is also a lucky charm which protects our nights, from illness, from stabbing and from all our fears. It drives away anxieties and nightmares! Before he talked, and unfortunately, like many curious children, I wanted to know what was in his stomach - which I then cut out and opened! Since then he hasn't spoken and my mother has sewn him up! There, laid bare, you can see it from every angle, including the traces of the life I had! I even sewed the ends of his socks on his hands so that he wouldn't be cold. Old Teddy Bear 🐻 will be the greatest of your friends and will be the French correspondent of yours, so that they can exchange our languages, like when we each went on exchanges between French-English colleges! a good way to break this curse of Brexit which in fact only concerns women and men who have abandoned their childhood, or at least a large part of it, to succeed in life ! Let them say and believe ! We poets and artists, Old Teddy Bears, know that love has no borders and that it crosses with its innocence and its ingenuous and invented thoughts, the most beautiful stories forever imagined !
Bye Paul ! Au revoir !

I would swap these original 90s pirated games Keen Commander and Leisure Suit Larry. Many hours of brilliant, entertaining and raunchy gameplay. As far as I remember I last played them in the early nineties before a nasty virus on another copied disk ruined my 386 PC.

I will swap you a poorly written song about all the weird and wonderful proposed swaps from the UAA forum. It only slightly plagiarises ‘we didn’t start the fire ‘.

Sending strength to you on your journey champ. 👊