Thats an easy one, when the guests arrive just speak through the letterbox to them saying that you and your v beautful wife have this week become stricken with a virus, this virus means you cannot possibly come into any contact with ugly people and though you are not saying they are exactly ugly "as such" you are taking no chances, if this doesnt work just swap the door numbers with next door.

MFrank..... Keep chasing the Hags, you can do this while simultaneously amassing a great fortune via various means, one easy method is the capture and selling of Hags on the secret market to rich men in Yabadabbadoo or somewhere similar. I would wait until you are at least 56 before settling down to spend your remaining years as the Hef but remember you only live once so enjoy yourself, also have a tattoo done.

November 11, 2010
Dear Mr. Wizbong,
Is Chlamydia a type of flower?
Thank you, Jon

Dear Wiz,
i have emailed you privately about this problem but i thought it's best to get it out in the open so other people no how some people in this world are...!!!...what should i do about the swine's/chav's who went on a free for all on bonfire night and stole and then burnt my 2yrs plastic slide....??....on a lighter note what can i do about my addiction of wanting things for free or dirt cheap...?

Thanks Pete

Pete. I did indeed receive the email from you re. this matter. Its a great shame the thugs wrecked your garden on Bonfire night and in the process took and then burned your 2 year olds garden slide thus leaving him with nothing to play on, something should be done, maybe dig some kind of man trap out there in readiness for next year?. Re the second point of your being obsessed with freebies then i can see no wrong in this, i have had many a freebie in my time and although not quite as obsessed as you seem to be it is always satisfying when said freebie is delivered. You should work through this obsession by over indulging until it wears off, you can start by asking for a free garden slide for your 2 year old! thats a start. Stop picking your nose by the way, if you cannot please use something other than the girlfriends toothbrush.

Dear HighasakiteinCali. I think you already know the answer deep within, your nasty habit has now leaked onto your Cats and in turn they have become increasingly dependent on you for their wants and needs. Heres an idea, next time you have a Bongup or make some Maryjoanna smokes or whatever you potheads do just give the Cats a ball of wool to play with, this is called "Aversion Therapy", it will make the Cats used to playing instead of crowding around your face inhaling secondary smoke as it chuffs out of your fizzog, if it doesnt work then at least you get some peace while on the Jazz ciggies as your Cats will be far too busy shredding your woolen jumpers. Like the haircut by the way.

So that's why we've not heard much from you Adam?!?

JD. Yes houses will go up, this depends on the area of course, though if the area is as rough as a chuff and full of scobbers then there is a chance it will remain the same as the locals will never be able to afford decent houses so tend not to move out of the area. My advice would be to rent pro tem then keep half an eye open for bargains at property sales / auctions. Tidy that room.

JS. Have no fear! the return of Aloyisius is imminent i feel. these Bears have quite a nasty streak to their otherwise cuddly and lovable persona, they tend to work on you for the formative years until you are completely at ease with them and then pow! they hit and run, this elopement is a test, he and the Gym Buddy (what the hell is that?) are at this moment sat in their cosy little bedsit in the country house they have borrowed from their patron Cecil and are giggling away while sipping Port and nibbling on Brandy Snaps and Abernethy biscuits, when the food runs out he will realise the new Buddy is but a sham and will return to you. Read more books and dont comb your hair like that.

Dear HighasakiteinCali. The scenario you put forward will only work and seem the norm if you were to move pronto to Paris and set up in an attic there to paint nudes, to do this you must also live on Gitanes and Coffee with the odd piece of Bread (dry), when and if your body weight reaches down to five stones you will have sympathy and be forgiven, until then you are a porky pothead from California im afraid.
Wait until Christmas and hang the Cats on the tree using the ready built in strip of wool they have poking from their crevices. Your hair needs dying again.

Jeromeetjess. I cannot help you there im afraid as i never venture out onto the street so know none of these "Artists" you speak of (arent they just vandals who scribble on walls everywhere for Gods sake), i have heard tell of a man who knows of all these sorts but he only speaks once a year on April 17th at 3pm, his name is Lazaramides or something like that, he is your best bet, i believe you can contact him via a Ouiga board though the person who told me this is infact a nutcase and not to be trusted. Best just stick to France i reckon. Eat less onions.

Thanks anyaway Wizbong, I keep following yours threads with many interest

will there ever be a boy born that can swim as fast as a shark...??

Pete. Is this particular Shark alive with both flippers (?) intact etc. because if it is then the answer is no, if however you are referring to that dead one at Dover then i assume any competent swimmer could beat or at the least keep up with it in the water as it just floats. Many people assume because Kevin Kostnothing made the series of films,Dances with Wolves / Bouncing with Badgers / Elongating with Elephants etc that man is actually equal to animals, this may be true but so are a lot of things, but not this one. Eat more bran.