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Tell us a joke... , by manchestermike on Oct 3, 2007 12:40:24 GMT 1, Spread some smiles:
Two nude statues, one male and one female, had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years. On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to them.
He said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time."
The angel told them they would be human for just fifteen minutes and they could do anything they wanted, anything at all that they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.
The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes.
The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy, laughter and "oh, yes", "oh, god", "yes, yes, yes"
After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating, laughing and beaming from ear to ear.
"That was quick!" the angel said, "you've still got 5 more minutes"
The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said, "Cool, this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll s**t on its head."
Spread some smiles:
Two nude statues, one male and one female, had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years. On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to them.
He said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time."
The angel told them they would be human for just fifteen minutes and they could do anything they wanted, anything at all that they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.
The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes.
The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy, laughter and "oh, yes", "oh, god", "yes, yes, yes"
After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating, laughing and beaming from ear to ear.
"That was quick!" the angel said, "you've still got 5 more minutes"
The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said, "Cool, this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll s**t on its head."
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Montubu7
Junior Member
🗨️ 2,196
👍🏻 5
November 2006
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Tell us a joke... , by Montubu7 on Oct 3, 2007 12:48:28 GMT 1, This guy is waking down the street and he passes a guy going the other way who has an orange for a head, he thinks to himself that if he doesn’t ask why this guy has an orange for a head it will annoy him for ever, so he chases after this guy and says " ’scuse me for asking, but why have you got an orange for a head?"
"Well the gentleman replies, its a really funny story actually. One day i was walking through town minding my own business and this Genie pops up out of nowhere, and says i can have three wishes. So i thought about it for a while, and for my first wish i asked for £100 million, the genie then clicked his fingers and told me to go and check my bank account and then disappeared. So i went and checked it and low and behold there it was just over £100 million in my account, then the genie pops up again and says ’what is your 2nd wish?’ Not being a very big hit with the ladies I decided to ask for 10 women on call at any hour of the day to fulfil his every sexual need. "Done" says the genie and disappears into thin air, when i got home i was greeted by 10 beautiful women who immidiately ripped my clothes off and begin to pleasure me in ways i never imagined. Later on that day the genie pops once again and says "right, only one more wish left, what will it be?" realising this is my last wish, i thought long and hard and after 20 minutes of silence i said
"Can i have an orange for a head?"
This guy is waking down the street and he passes a guy going the other way who has an orange for a head, he thinks to himself that if he doesn’t ask why this guy has an orange for a head it will annoy him for ever, so he chases after this guy and says " ’scuse me for asking, but why have you got an orange for a head?"
"Well the gentleman replies, its a really funny story actually. One day i was walking through town minding my own business and this Genie pops up out of nowhere, and says i can have three wishes. So i thought about it for a while, and for my first wish i asked for £100 million, the genie then clicked his fingers and told me to go and check my bank account and then disappeared. So i went and checked it and low and behold there it was just over £100 million in my account, then the genie pops up again and says ’what is your 2nd wish?’ Not being a very big hit with the ladies I decided to ask for 10 women on call at any hour of the day to fulfil his every sexual need. "Done" says the genie and disappears into thin air, when i got home i was greeted by 10 beautiful women who immidiately ripped my clothes off and begin to pleasure me in ways i never imagined. Later on that day the genie pops once again and says "right, only one more wish left, what will it be?" realising this is my last wish, i thought long and hard and after 20 minutes of silence i said
"Can i have an orange for a head?"
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Tell us a joke... , by shogun on Oct 3, 2007 12:51:36 GMT 1, and i thought the first one was bad... 
and i thought the first one was bad... |
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Tell us a joke... , by cashman on Oct 3, 2007 12:54:32 GMT 1, Queing at LAZ 
Queing at LAZ |
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Tell us a joke... , by dave313perry on Oct 3, 2007 12:58:56 GMT 1, An Irish man, an Australian man and a Scouser all in a bar.
Just as they were all enjoying their beers, the scouser looks up and says to the others "damn, thats jesus!".
So with that they all buy jesus a drink. The Irish man buys him a guinness, the Australian buys him a fosters, and the scouser buys him a bitter.
After Jesus drinks all his beers he goes to the group to shake their hands.
He shakes the Irish man's hand and with that gives off a yell of relief, "Hell jesus, that bad back i've had all my life has just gone". He shakes the Australian man's hand and he also gives off a yell, "That Arthritis i've had for 20 years has just disappeared!".
Jesus goes to shake the Scousers who says, "Fuck off, i'm on disability".
An Irish man, an Australian man and a Scouser all in a bar.
Just as they were all enjoying their beers, the scouser looks up and says to the others "damn, thats jesus!".
So with that they all buy jesus a drink. The Irish man buys him a guinness, the Australian buys him a fosters, and the scouser buys him a bitter.
After Jesus drinks all his beers he goes to the group to shake their hands.
He shakes the Irish man's hand and with that gives off a yell of relief, "Hell jesus, that bad back i've had all my life has just gone". He shakes the Australian man's hand and he also gives off a yell, "That Arthritis i've had for 20 years has just disappeared!".
Jesus goes to shake the Scousers who says, "Fuck off, i'm on disability".
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Tell us a joke... , by curiousgeorge on Oct 3, 2007 13:04:00 GMT 1, Two parrots sat on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"
Two parrots sat on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"
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Tell us a joke... , by iwouldfollow youanywhere on Oct 3, 2007 13:05:43 GMT 1, An Irish man, an Australian man and a Scouser all in a bar. Just as they were all enjoying their beers, the scouser looks up and says to the others "damn, thats jesus!". So with that they all buy jesus a drink. The Irish man buys him a guinness, the Australian buys him a fosters, and the scouser buys him a bitter. After Jesus drinks all his beers he goes to the group to shake their hands. He shakes the Irish man's hand and with that gives off a yell of relief, "Hell jesus, that bad back i've had all my life has just gone". He shakes the Australian man's hand and he also gives off a yell, "That Arthritis i've had for 20 years has just disappeared!". Jesus goes to shake the Scousers who says, "f**k off, i'm on disability".
haha!!love it..
An Irish man, an Australian man and a Scouser all in a bar. Just as they were all enjoying their beers, the scouser looks up and says to the others "damn, thats jesus!". So with that they all buy jesus a drink. The Irish man buys him a guinness, the Australian buys him a fosters, and the scouser buys him a bitter. After Jesus drinks all his beers he goes to the group to shake their hands. He shakes the Irish man's hand and with that gives off a yell of relief, "Hell jesus, that bad back i've had all my life has just gone". He shakes the Australian man's hand and he also gives off a yell, "That Arthritis i've had for 20 years has just disappeared!". Jesus goes to shake the Scousers who says, "f**k off, i'm on disability". haha!!love it.. |
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Tell us a joke... , by pkt75 on Oct 3, 2007 13:06:03 GMT 1, 3 men in a pub talkin about wot birds their wives would be if they were, umm....well birds.
1st man says "if my wife was a bird she'd be a Blackbird"
The others ask why and he replies 'Coz she sings beautifully every morning"
"How nice" the other guys say...
2nd man says "if my wife was a bird she'd be a flamingo"
The others ask why and he replies "coz shes got lovely long legs and she often wears pink"
Again the response from the others is positive.
3rd man says "if my wife was a bird she'd be a thrush"
The others ask why and he replies " coz shes an irritating c**t"
3 men in a pub talkin about wot birds their wives would be if they were, umm....well birds.
1st man says "if my wife was a bird she'd be a Blackbird"
The others ask why and he replies 'Coz she sings beautifully every morning"
"How nice" the other guys say...
2nd man says "if my wife was a bird she'd be a flamingo"
The others ask why and he replies "coz shes got lovely long legs and she often wears pink"
Again the response from the others is positive.
3rd man says "if my wife was a bird she'd be a thrush"
The others ask why and he replies " coz shes an irritating c**t"
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Montubu7
Junior Member
🗨️ 2,196
👍🏻 5
November 2006
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Tell us a joke... , by Montubu7 on Oct 3, 2007 13:10:13 GMT 1, Ricky gervais
Why has Noddy got a bell on his hat?
Because he's a c**t.
Ricky gervais
Why has Noddy got a bell on his hat?
Because he's a c**t.
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Tell us a joke... , by headphonesex on Oct 3, 2007 13:20:28 GMT 1,
You should have stopped it there.
The least funny man i've ever seen live.
I sat through an hour long show & didn't laugh once.
You should have stopped it there. The least funny man i've ever seen live. I sat through an hour long show & didn't laugh once. |
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Montubu7
Junior Member
🗨️ 2,196
👍🏻 5
November 2006
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Tell us a joke... , by Montubu7 on Oct 3, 2007 13:22:34 GMT 1, You should have stopped it there. The least funny man i've ever seen live. I sat through an hour long show & didn't laugh once.
With the fastest selling uk comedy tour ever i guess a lot of people would disagree with you...
You should have stopped it there. The least funny man i've ever seen live. I sat through an hour long show & didn't laugh once. With the fastest selling uk comedy tour ever i guess a lot of people would disagree with you... |
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Tell us a joke... , by Existencil on Oct 3, 2007 13:23:27 GMT 1, Q: What's ET short for?
A: He's got short legs
Q: What's ET short for?
A: He's got short legs
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ohmygosh
New Member
🗨️ 229
👍🏻 0
December 2006
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Tell us a joke... , by ohmygosh on Oct 3, 2007 13:26:25 GMT 1, You should have stopped it there. The least funny man i've ever seen live. I sat through an hour long show & didn't laugh once. With the fastest selling uk comedy tour ever i guess a lot of people would disagree with you...
I think he is shite too.
Not a patch on Chubby Brown or Bill Hicks!
You should have stopped it there. The least funny man i've ever seen live. I sat through an hour long show & didn't laugh once. With the fastest selling uk comedy tour ever i guess a lot of people would disagree with you... I think he is shite too. Not a patch on Chubby Brown or Bill Hicks! |
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Montubu7
Junior Member
🗨️ 2,196
👍🏻 5
November 2006
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Tell us a joke... , by Montubu7 on Oct 3, 2007 13:27:33 GMT 1, With the fastest selling uk comedy tour ever i guess a lot of people would disagree with you... I think he is s**te too. Not a patch on Chubby Brown or Bill Hicks!
Hicks is good, chubby brown is a little outdated imho
With the fastest selling uk comedy tour ever i guess a lot of people would disagree with you... I think he is s**te too. Not a patch on Chubby Brown or Bill Hicks! Hicks is good, chubby brown is a little outdated imho |
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Tell us a joke... , by catfelix69 on Oct 3, 2007 13:32:10 GMT 1, I have a chance of getting the new trollies print
I have a chance of getting the new trollies print
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Richard
Junior Member
🗨️ 1,368
👍🏻 201
September 2007
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Tell us a joke... , by Richard on Oct 3, 2007 13:35:03 GMT 1, Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
Mine is that Ricky Gervais is brilliant. The Office, Extras, Animals, Fame...love it...love it...love it!!!
(Politics didn't float my boat to the same extent as the others!)
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
Mine is that Ricky Gervais is brilliant. The Office, Extras, Animals, Fame...love it...love it...love it!!!
(Politics didn't float my boat to the same extent as the others!)
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Richard
Junior Member
🗨️ 1,368
👍🏻 201
September 2007
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Tell us a joke... , by Richard on Oct 3, 2007 13:39:26 GMT 1, What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Being raped.
Jimmy Carr...genius.
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Being raped.
Jimmy Carr...genius.
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Montubu7
Junior Member
🗨️ 2,196
👍🏻 5
November 2006
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Tell us a joke... , by Montubu7 on Oct 3, 2007 13:39:38 GMT 1, Thanks to whoever negged me, theres always one c**t !!
Thanks to whoever negged me, theres always one c**t !! |
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Richard
Junior Member
🗨️ 1,368
👍🏻 201
September 2007
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Tell us a joke... , by Richard on Oct 3, 2007 13:46:24 GMT 1, Chill...I will +1 you. 
Chill...I will +1 you. |
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Montubu7
Junior Member
🗨️ 2,196
👍🏻 5
November 2006
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Tell us a joke... , by Montubu7 on Oct 3, 2007 13:48:21 GMT 1, and theres always one gent! +1
and theres always one gent! +1
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Tell us a joke... , by a4mnt on Oct 3, 2007 13:49:49 GMT 1, Whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A prostitute can wash her crack and use it again.
;D
Whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A prostitute can wash her crack and use it again.
;D
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stradled
Junior Member
🗨️ 1,062
👍🏻 187
April 2007
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Tell us a joke... , by stradled on Oct 3, 2007 13:50:23 GMT 1, What's got wings and sucks blood ?
Always Ultra.
What's got wings and sucks blood ?
Always Ultra.
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stradled
Junior Member
🗨️ 1,062
👍🏻 187
April 2007
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Tell us a joke... , by stradled on Oct 3, 2007 13:51:06 GMT 1, Following on from CrackaWacka's prostitute joke here's mine:
Whats the similarity between a prostitute and a bungee jump?
They both cost $100 and if the rubber snaps your fucked!
Following on from CrackaWacka's prostitute joke here's mine:
Whats the similarity between a prostitute and a bungee jump?
They both cost $100 and if the rubber snaps your fucked!
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Tell us a joke... , by headphonesex on Oct 3, 2007 13:53:27 GMT 1, You should have stopped it there. The least funny man i've ever seen live. I sat through an hour long show & didn't laugh once. With the fastest selling uk comedy tour ever i guess a lot of people would disagree with you...
Well unfortunately a lot of people are idiots.
Anyone been watching Flight of the Conchords? That's been tickling my funny bone lately. One of those things where you watch one then have to download the whole series immediately. This was a good episode:
Here's a bad joke:
Doctor, doctor, I've got problems with my
hearing."
"What are the symptoms?"
"They're those yellow people on TV."
I'll get me coat.
You should have stopped it there. The least funny man i've ever seen live. I sat through an hour long show & didn't laugh once. With the fastest selling uk comedy tour ever i guess a lot of people would disagree with you... Well unfortunately a lot of people are idiots. Anyone been watching Flight of the Conchords? That's been tickling my funny bone lately. One of those things where you watch one then have to download the whole series immediately. This was a good episode: Here's a bad joke: Doctor, doctor, I've got problems with my hearing." "What are the symptoms?" "They're those yellow people on TV." I'll get me coat. |
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Tell us a joke... , by johnas on Oct 3, 2007 13:53:56 GMT 1, A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
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carl
Blank Rank
🗨️ 0
👍🏻 1
September 2011
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Tell us a joke... , by carl on Oct 3, 2007 14:06:00 GMT 1, What did the nought say to the eight...
Nice belt.
What did the nought say to the eight...
Nice belt.
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Tell us a joke... , by manchestermike on Oct 3, 2007 14:19:56 GMT 1, Gervais - good on tele, awful on stage
Peter Kay - utter shite
Lee Evans - worst of the lot, possibly the least funny man on the planet the sweaty muppet
Give me Eddie Izzard, Bill Hicks or Bill Bailey any time
Gervais - good on tele, awful on stage
Peter Kay - utter shite
Lee Evans - worst of the lot, possibly the least funny man on the planet the sweaty muppet
Give me Eddie Izzard, Bill Hicks or Bill Bailey any time
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Montubu7
Junior Member
🗨️ 2,196
👍🏻 5
November 2006
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Tell us a joke... , by Montubu7 on Oct 3, 2007 14:27:40 GMT 1, Richard pryor, eddie murphy,stewart lee, sarah silverman, Bill bailey,Russell Howard & Omid Djalili are my faves.
Richard pryor, eddie murphy,stewart lee, sarah silverman, Bill bailey,Russell Howard & Omid Djalili are my faves.
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Tell us a joke... , by corblimeylimey on Oct 3, 2007 14:28:10 GMT 1, Gervais - good on tele, awful on stage Peter Kay - utter s**te Lee Evans - worst of the lot, possibly the least funny man on the planet the sweaty muppet Give me Eddie Izzard, Bill Hicks or Bill Bailey any time
I agree with you on Lee Evans. Strongly disagree on Peter Kay.
What about Jack Dee & Dylan Moran?
Horses for courses I guess.
Gervais - good on tele, awful on stage Peter Kay - utter s**te Lee Evans - worst of the lot, possibly the least funny man on the planet the sweaty muppet Give me Eddie Izzard, Bill Hicks or Bill Bailey any time I agree with you on Lee Evans. Strongly disagree on Peter Kay. What about Jack Dee & Dylan Moran? Horses for courses I guess. |
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