Urban Art Association

Jack Dee is funny as is Ross Noble, Dylan Moran I can take or leave

However I have to say Russell Brand's stand up is close to perfection, he's a t**t on the telebox, but on stage brilliant

Excellent! + for that beauty.

I find Charlie Brooker very funny

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

The doctor says, "What are the symptoms?"

The guy says, "They're a disfunctional cartoon family with yellow heads."

What do you call a pair of tits on lying on the floor?

[glow=red,2,300]Boob-e-trap[/glow]

How much did the cockney pay for a bottle of shampoo?...........





PANTENE

Little Jonny is sat at the dinner table with his Dad, Dad asks him how his day at school was.

Jonny takes a deep breath and says i'm a bit worried about my homework Dad, Teacher has asked us to find out the difference between potential and reality.

Dad says oh this is easy, go ask your Mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds, then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds.

After researching this, he came running back..Dad, Dad they both said yes but i still don't see how that relates to my homework. That's simple his Dad explains...

Potentially we are sitting on a gold mine, but in reality we are living with a couple of slags

When people in the audience go bad..

Paddy and Mick are off on their annual jaunt to Canada to shoot Moose. Every year they hire a plane which takes them to a remote spot adjacent a stunning clear water lake. As years gone by the plane gently lands on the lake, and parks against a tiny pier. The Pilot, Paddy n Mick jump out and unload the plane of camping and hunting gear. Once unloaded the Pilot turns to the two hunters and reminds them that he will be back in 10 days time to collect them from the very same spot, he also reminds them that no matter how many moose they shoot he can only carry one back with them on the plane! The plane takes off and Paddy and Mick head off to the hunting grounds.

10 days later the Pilot is heading back to the remote spot, from a distance he can see Paddy n Mick stood waiting on the pier, the pilot executes a perfect smooth landing onto the lake surface and slowly makes his way to the two hunters. The plane is tied off and the pilot greets Paddy n Mick and helps them load their hunting gear back onto the plane, as he's doing so he notices that there are two dead moose lying on the bank of the lake. "I told you boys when I dropped you off that I can only carry one moose on the plane" states the pilot "Whats up with you man, the pilot took two back last year" argues Paddy "I don't give a damn what the pilot did last year, he aint me and I ain't carrying two moose on my plane!" replies the pilot. "Ah, feck urself" cries Mick, "Yeez a fecking chicken and a shite pilot if ya can't carry both moose!" Well this personal slur on his ability pisses off the pilot no end "Ok, ok, I'll take your fucking Moose, we'll have to strap one on each wing!" So Paddy, Mick and the Pilot proceed to strap the moose to the wings of the tiny plane, they board and the pilot slowly makes his way to the far edge of the lake ready for take off. He throws the throttle full open and the plane slowly increases its speed accross the lake. "COME ON, COME ON!" shouts the pilot as the plane nears the other side of the lake. The plane starts to lift off the water but the moose are just too heavy and the plane crashes into the trees and dense undergrowth at the far side of the lake. The plane is smashed to pieces, Moose, Pilot, Paddy and Mick are sent flying through the air in different directions.

About an hour after the crash Mick comes round and sits up from where he has landed, a little dazed he looks round and can see the plane wreckage strewn everywhere, he can see his mate Paddy a little distance away also sitting up looking dazed, the Pilot and the Moose however are nowhere to be seen. Mick in his confused state shouts over to Paddy, "Heh, Paddy mate, where the feck are we!?" Paddy slowly turns and looks at Mick, he then looks at the lake and again turns to Mick and shouts, "About 150 yards further on than we were last year!!" ;D

The Moose hunting joke has been my favorite for as long as I care to remember, but Thomas has had me laughing to myself about the bloke with an Orange for a head for the past hour, so I now have a new favorite joke!! +1 Thomas!! Now to fuck the joke up by telling everyone in the office and getting it wrong!! ;D

dude you have a seriously shit sense of humour if those are the best jokes you can come up with

They are also quite offensive to some people

... buy a new joke book

Ray take the plug out of your arse and shove it down your throat you racist t**t.

Just Banned Raysareplug by popular demand I think it was Crimewave at his tricks again Thanks for the PM's and please let me know if anything like that appears again ;D Thanks!

Two women walk into a house - - - You would think one of them would have seen it!

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.

"Do you know what I’m doing?" he asks.

"Yes," she replies. "You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."

"That’s right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.

"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I’m doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You’re getting herpes—which is why i came here in the first place!."