Police in the Seychelles have recovered the arm of a shark attack victim Ian Davis it was identified by a tattoo that said

"Arsenal for the League 2011/12"
In a statement a police spokesman commented " not even a shark would swallow that"

A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts."

Boaty electrocute yourself with the remaining electricity. As complaing about my jokes is wasting it. I hate to see waste !!!!

I'l have a cracker for you by the end of the day.

The Arsenal one is funny to me and probably a fair few others in England at the moment.

Johnny

curiousgeorge - i don't know you either - but if i offended you in anyway with my post below - do know it was not my intent....

johnny - my sense of humor is a bit skewed at the mo - i'm usually quicker - be realigned real soon - thanks for responding!

whoo whoo whoo sweet child of mine ..... ive only been gone a couple of days now kiss and make up ......

My wife and I took out life insurance on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

Man goes into a bar and asks the bar maid for a gin and tonic, she smiles and hands him a big red apple.
He looks back at her slightly puzzled?? “Go on take a bite”.. he does and can’t believe it tastes like Gin. “turn it around”..
He does and it tastes of tonic. “Amazing” he said
“I’d like a Vodka and coke thanks”, she hands another big red apple, he takes a bite… vodka.. turns it around.. coke. He’s blown away!!
He thinks for a moment, “I would like some Pussy thanks”, again with a smile she hands him an apple and he takes a bite, he spits the apple
out claiming it tastes like shit!!! She smiles and says to him “turn it around”

What's blue and f**ks grannies?

- me in my lucky blue coat

Went to hospital for testicle operation last week
The little Thai nurse said
'' Don't worry it's quite normal to get an erection while doing this procedure''
I said
'' I don't have an erection''
She said
''No but I have''

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her f#cking appendix out!"

Sir Clement Freud's joke...

I heard a rather nice story about a man who drank alot and his wife said: "if you ever come home drunk again, I'm gonna leave you". He went out to a pub and drank alot and threw-up all over himself, and said to his friend: "if I come home my wife will leave me", his friend said: "I tell you what, go home and tell her somebody threw-up over you and put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, and show it and say he gave me this for the dry-cleaning bill".
He comes home and his wife's angry and he says "no, no, no, somebody threw-up over me, gave me twenty-pounds for the dry-cleaning bill", she said "why have you got two twenty-pound notes in your hand?", he said "oh the other is from the man who shat in my pants"

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Montana asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a sh*tload of firewood.'

hubble - feel like i caved on my response to you before... but i have greater responsibility in this life, especially to children - so here goes...

i got your original joke - but, talking about children (8yr olds) having sex on here takes it a bit far even for a joke - reads like kiddie porn - keep it adult like - there are so many more jokes out there... if that makes me a self appointed warlord - there it is...

i actually know that joke very very very very well... it is in many derivations on many child predator sites and blogs... there were stories that the "jokes" were used to covertly communicate in those circles the age of a child that may be available...

certainly not thinking about hubble in that way...

i have alot of law enforcement family and friends and some years ago they encouraged me to do volunteer work helping children who suffered from sexual abuse - one of the things we encourage them to do is reach into their hearts to heal as it is pure... we actually have them draw hearts with all the the good things they think of and they walk around with the drawing, in their pockets, under the pillows etc... hence, my heart comment earlier... that phrase you quoted is one used commonly among the counselors...

hope this puts some perspective into my thinking - that said, i can certainly understand why one would not look at it the way i do... it was a clean joke used badly by some bad people and that's stuck in my head...

thanks for asking me to explain, tho - so folks on here don't think i'm nuts...