Hubble Bubble
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 4,116
๐๐ป 3,566
December 2010
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Joke of the day, by Hubble Bubble on Sept 1, 2011 19:58:38 GMT 1, There's a very good paper written on these and similar "jokes" by a Harvard prof which is relied on heavily - will share if I can find
The Nutty Professor? 
There's a very good paper written on these and similar "jokes" by a Harvard prof which is relied on heavily - will share if I can find The Nutty Professor? |
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Joke of the day, by boatyb on Sept 1, 2011 20:01:39 GMT 1, There's a very good paper written on these and similar "jokes" by a Harvard prof which is relied on heavily - will share if I can find The Nutty Professor?
LOL - didn't see that one coming ;D
There's a very good paper written on these and similar "jokes" by a Harvard prof which is relied on heavily - will share if I can find The Nutty Professor? LOL - didn't see that one coming ;D |
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Hubble Bubble
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 4,116
๐๐ป 3,566
December 2010
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Joke of the day, by Hubble Bubble on Sept 1, 2011 20:15:51 GMT 1, I don't know about anyone else, but I find the interpretation (now removed by Boaty) far more offensive (and worrying) than the joke.
Anyway... Boaty and I are now buddies... This is all healthy debate... and I need to get back to Banksy (rhymes with Wanksy)
I don't know about anyone else, but I find the interpretation (now removed by Boaty) far more offensive (and worrying) than the joke.
Anyway... Boaty and I are now buddies... This is all healthy debate... and I need to get back to Banksy (rhymes with Wanksy)
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Joke of the day, by Jeezuz Jones Snr on Sept 2, 2011 0:16:58 GMT 1, My girlfriend has packed her bags and left me because of my fetish of
inserting pasta into her arse. I'm feeling Cannelloni right now..
My girlfriend has packed her bags and left me because of my fetish of
inserting pasta into her arse. I'm feeling Cannelloni right now..
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Hubble Bubble
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 4,116
๐๐ป 3,566
December 2010
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Joke of the day, by Hubble Bubble on Sept 2, 2011 8:25:34 GMT 1, ^^ Lovin' that one, JJS.
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating. As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination. "At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection" said the man. "No, but I have" replied the nurse.
^^ Lovin' that one, JJS.
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating. As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination. "At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection" said the man. "No, but I have" replied the nurse.
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Joke of the day, by fingerz on Sept 2, 2011 12:27:05 GMT 1, Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father "Dad,what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."
The father thought some and said, "Okay, son . The best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. "Lets say that I'm capitalism because I'm the bread winner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was awaken by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So,he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up.
Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."
"Excellent, my boy," he answered. "What have you learned?" Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "
I learned that Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep ignoring the People, and the Future's full of sh*t."
Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father "Dad,what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."
The father thought some and said, "Okay, son . The best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. "Lets say that I'm capitalism because I'm the bread winner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was awaken by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So,he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up.
Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."
"Excellent, my boy," he answered. "What have you learned?" Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "
I learned that Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep ignoring the People, and the Future's full of sh*t."
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decorum
New Member
๐จ๏ธ 334
๐๐ป 32
October 2010
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Joke of the day, by decorum on Sept 2, 2011 14:00:06 GMT 1, 6yo Umbuto, an orphan in Nigeria who lost one leg to disease, has to travel 6 miles each day in 40+ degree heat to fetch water on a bike that has buckled tires and no brakes. If you can spare a small donation of only รยฃ5 I'll send you the DVD - it's friggin' hilarious!
6yo Umbuto, an orphan in Nigeria who lost one leg to disease, has to travel 6 miles each day in 40+ degree heat to fetch water on a bike that has buckled tires and no brakes. If you can spare a small donation of only รยฃ5 I'll send you the DVD - it's friggin' hilarious!
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Joke of the day, by des77 on Sept 2, 2011 18:28:45 GMT 1, The Fanny is the best rehab centre in the world.
Even the most violent and hardest p*ick comes out soft, humble, reduced in size and a dribbling mess!
The Fanny is the best rehab centre in the world.
Even the most violent and hardest p*ick comes out soft, humble, reduced in size and a dribbling mess!
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Joke of the day, by boatyb on Sept 2, 2011 23:29:17 GMT 1, In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the president narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI, and the PEOPLE.
The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a "rabbit" which was released into the forest.
The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.
The PEOPLE went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit".
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the president narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI, and the PEOPLE.
The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a "rabbit" which was released into the forest.
The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.
The PEOPLE went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit".
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Joke of the day, by Jeezuz Jones Snr on Sept 3, 2011 7:25:49 GMT 1, Well that'll be the first and last time i use my Sean Connery accent to ask my girlfriend to sit on my face!!!!
Well that'll be the first and last time i use my Sean Connery accent to ask my girlfriend to sit on my face!!!!
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johnnyh
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 4,492
๐๐ป 2,102
March 2011
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Joke of the day, by johnnyh on Sept 3, 2011 10:09:49 GMT 1,
BREAKING NEWS : UN have said if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can't do any harm to anyone... up front for Arsenal
BREAKING NEWS : UN have said if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can't do any harm to anyone... up front for Arsenal
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johnnyh
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 4,492
๐๐ป 2,102
March 2011
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Joke of the day, by johnnyh on Sept 3, 2011 10:13:32 GMT 1,
You might need to know the advertnfor this one
The pope was eating his breakfast on Easter Sunday
Opens the marg to spread some on his toast and sees the face of jesus in the margarine
He thinks that must be a miracle
The television gets hold of the story and they ask the Dalai Lama what he thinks about the story
He replies " I cant believe its not buddha"
You might need to know the advertnfor this one
The pope was eating his breakfast on Easter Sunday
Opens the marg to spread some on his toast and sees the face of jesus in the margarine
He thinks that must be a miracle
The television gets hold of the story and they ask the Dalai Lama what he thinks about the story
He replies " I cant believe its not buddha"
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Joke of the day, by xmyart on Sept 3, 2011 10:20:04 GMT 1, lol that took some thinking about at this time of the mornong Johny.
lol that took some thinking about at this time of the mornong Johny.
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johnnyh
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 4,492
๐๐ป 2,102
March 2011
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Joke of the day, by johnnyh on Sept 3, 2011 10:26:52 GMT 1, Enjoy your breakfast mate!!!!!
Dinner time here!
Johnny
Enjoy your breakfast mate!!!!!
Dinner time here!
Johnny
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waveydavey
New Member
๐จ๏ธ 293
๐๐ป 24
July 2007
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Joke of the day, by waveydavey on Sept 3, 2011 19:38:55 GMT 1, never read a pop-up book about giraffes
a shark will only attack you if youโre wet
How do you get a fat bird into bed? Piece of cake
Sean Locke
Watch 15 storeys high if you haven't
never read a pop-up book about giraffes
a shark will only attack you if youโre wet
How do you get a fat bird into bed? Piece of cake
Sean Locke
Watch 15 storeys high if you haven't
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Joke of the day, by des77 on Sept 3, 2011 22:46:28 GMT 1, The following questions and answers were collated from last yearโs English GCSEs. (16 year olds)
Science
Q : Name the four seasons.
A : Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q : Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A : Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q : How is dew formed?
A : The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q : What is a planet?
A : A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q : What causes the tides in the oceans?
A : The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
The following questions and answers were collated from last yearโs English GCSEs. (16 year olds)
Science
Q : Name the four seasons.
A : Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q : Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A : Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q : How is dew formed?
A : The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q : What is a planet?
A : A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q : What causes the tides in the oceans?
A : The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
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Joke of the day, by des77 on Sept 3, 2011 22:49:30 GMT 1, Biology
Q : What happens to your body as you age?
A : When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q : What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A : He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q : Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A : Premature death.
Q : What is artificial insemination?
A : When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q : How can you delay milk turning sour?
A : Keep it in the cow.
Q : What is the Fibula?
A : A small lie.
Q : What does "varicose" mean?
A : Nearby.
Q : Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A : The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q : What is a seizure?
A : A Roman emperor.
Q : What is a terminal illness?
A : When you are sick at the airport
Biology
Q : What happens to your body as you age?
A : When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q : What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A : He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q : Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A : Premature death.
Q : What is artificial insemination?
A : When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q : How can you delay milk turning sour?
A : Keep it in the cow.
Q : What is the Fibula?
A : A small lie.
Q : What does "varicose" mean?
A : Nearby.
Q : Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A : The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q : What is a seizure?
A : A Roman emperor.
Q : What is a terminal illness?
A : When you are sick at the airport
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johnnyh
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 4,492
๐๐ป 2,102
March 2011
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Joke of the day, by johnnyh on Sept 9, 2011 10:48:53 GMT 1, Things been slow on joke of the day and got sent this which made me chuckle.
Today is 9/9, the last time I heard that was when I tried to do a german bird up the arse !!!!
nein nein
Things been slow on joke of the day and got sent this which made me chuckle.
Today is 9/9, the last time I heard that was when I tried to do a german bird up the arse !!!!
nein nein
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Deleted
๐จ๏ธ 0
๐๐ป
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Sept 9, 2011 10:55:45 GMT 1, How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put him in the oven till his bill withers.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put him in the oven till his bill withers.
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Sept 9, 2011 11:07:46 GMT 1, Got this on a text a couple of weeks ago:
I was on one of those teen chat rooms last night, when the young 'lady' I was chatting to suddenly announces that she's an undercover cop!
How cool is that for a 14 year old
Got this on a text a couple of weeks ago:
I was on one of those teen chat rooms last night, when the young 'lady' I was chatting to suddenly announces that she's an undercover cop!
How cool is that for a 14 year old
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johnnyh
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 4,492
๐๐ป 2,102
March 2011
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Joke of the day, by johnnyh on Sept 9, 2011 11:34:59 GMT 1, Got this on a text a couple of weeks ago: I was on one of those teen chat rooms last night, when the young 'lady' I was chatting to suddenly announces that she's an undercover cop! How cool is that for a 14 year old
LOL thats brilliant good one
Johnny
Got this on a text a couple of weeks ago: I was on one of those teen chat rooms last night, when the young 'lady' I was chatting to suddenly announces that she's an undercover cop! How cool is that for a 14 year old LOL thats brilliant good one Johnny |
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balibob
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,782
๐๐ป 326
November 2010
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Joke of the day, by balibob on Sept 9, 2011 11:52:05 GMT 1, Des...any more mate, they made me larff
Des...any more mate, they made me larff
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Joke of the day, by boatyb on Sept 9, 2011 16:28:29 GMT 1, intended on leaving this thread alone - as it has not gone well for me...
but, curious - i enjoyed that - thanks for posting!
intended on leaving this thread alone - as it has not gone well for me... but, curious - i enjoyed that - thanks for posting! |
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Joke of the day, by fingerz on Sept 9, 2011 16:36:55 GMT 1, 
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balibob
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,782
๐๐ป 326
November 2010
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Joke of the day, by balibob on Sept 9, 2011 17:09:35 GMT 1, Nice work curious, keep em coming
Nice work curious, keep em coming
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Joke of the day, by freeview on Sept 9, 2011 18:08:04 GMT 1, Not a joke as such...
Open Google Maps (directions)
2: Type China as your starting point
3: Type Taiwan as your destination. Click "Get Directions "
4: Read step 56
But funny all the same !
Not a joke as such...
Open Google Maps (directions)
2: Type China as your starting point
3: Type Taiwan as your destination. Click "Get Directions "
4: Read step 56
But funny all the same !
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Warm Gun
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 4,646
๐๐ป 1,130
August 2009
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Joke of the day, by Warm Gun on Sept 9, 2011 18:19:02 GMT 1, This email exchange is pretty funny.....
[glow=red,2,300] From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 8 November 2009 2.16pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: DVDs
Dear Megan,
Thank you for your letter regarding overdue fees. As all four movies were outstanding examples of modern cinematic masterpieces, your assumption that I would wish to retain them in my possession is understandable, but incorrect. Please check your records as these movies were returned, on time, over three weeks ago. I remember specifically driving there and having my offspring run them in due to the fact that I was wearing shorts and did not want the girl behind the counter to see my white hairy legs.
Regards, David.
[/glow]
From: Megan Roberts
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11.09am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: DVDs
Hi David
Our computer system indicates otherwise. Please recheck and get back to me.
Kind regards,
Megan
[glow=red,2,300]From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11.36am
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: DVDs
Dear Megan,
Yes, they are definitely white and hairy. Viewed from the knees down, the similarity to two large albino caterpillars in parallel formation is frightening. People who knew what the word meant might describe them as 'piliferous', although there is something quite sexy about that word so perhaps they wouldn't.
Regards, David.
[/glow]
From: Megan Roberts
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 1.44pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: DVDs
Hi David
No I mean our records indicate that the DVDs have not been returned. Please check and return as soon as possible.
Kind regards,
Megan
[glow=red,2,300]From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 4.19pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs
Dear Megan,
With the possible exception of Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, the movies were not worth watching let alone stealing. In Logan's Run, for example, the computer crashed at the end when presented with conflicting facts and blew up destroying the entire city. When my computer crashes I carry on a little bit and have a cigarette while it is rebooting. I don't have to search through rubble for my loved ones. The same programmers probably designed the Blockbuster 'returned or not' database. Also, while one would assume the title Journey to the Centre of the Earth to be a metaphor, the movie was actually set in the centre of the earth which, being a solid core of iron with temperatures exceeding 4300ยฐ Celcius and pressures of 3900 tons per square centimetre, does not seem very likely. Waterworld was actually pretty good though. My favourite bit was when they were on the water but the scene when Kevin Costner negotiated for peace, ending the war between fish and mankind moments before the whale army attacked was also very good.
Regards, David.[/glow]
From: Megan Roberts
Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 3.57pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs
David
The DVDs are listed as not returned. If you cant locate the DVDs, you will be charged for the replacement cost.
Megan
[glow=red,2,300]From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 5.12pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs
Dear Megan,
I have checked pricing at the DVD Warehouse and the cost of replacing your lost movies with new ones is as follows:
Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $7.95
Waterworld $4.95
Journey to the Centre of the Earth $9.95
Logan's Run $12.95
I have no idea why Logan's Run is the most expensive of the four movies as it was definitely the worst. Have you seen it? I wouldn't pay $12.95 for that. I would use the money to buy a good movie instead. Probably something with Steven Seagal in it. The entire premise comprised of living a utopian and carefree lifestyle with only three drawbacks - wearing seventies jumpsuits, living in what looks like a giant shopping centre and not being allowed to live past thirty. This would seem logical though as I would not want a bunch of old people hanging around complaining about their arthritis while I am trying to relax at the shopping centre in my jumpsuit trying not to think about the computer crashing.
I was recently forced to do volunteer work at an aged care hospital. Footage of these people during Tuesday night line dancing could be used as an advertisement for the Logan's Run solution. The only good aspect of working there was that I halved their medication, pocketing and selling the remainder, explaining the computer listed that as their dose and they were welcome to check knowing their abject fear of anything produced after the eighteenth century would prevent them from doing so. I also swapped my Sanyo fourteen inch portable television for their Panasonic wide screen plasma while they were sleeping, explaining that it had always been that way and their senility was simply playing up due to the reduced dosage of drugs.
Regards, David.[/glow]
From: Megan Roberts
Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 1.21pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs
Hi David
I have not seen those movies so I dont know what you are talking about. I prefer romantic comedies. If you have the movies we can't rent them so we lose money and the fees are based on what we we would have made from renting them and we also have to purchase movies through our suppliers not from DVD Warehouse.
Megan
[glow=red,2,300]From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 3.28pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs
Dear Megan,
I myself am also a huge fan of romantic comedies. Perhaps we could watch one together. I have a new Panasonic wide screen plasma. My favourite romantic comedy is Fatal Instinct although it did not contain enough robots or explosions in my opinion and I was therefore unable to truly identify with the main characters on a personal and emotional level. Recently, I was tricked into watching The Notebook which was about geese. Lots of geese. It also had something to do with an old lady who conveniently lost her memory so she could not remember being a whore throughout the entire film. I don't recall a lot of it as I was too busy being cross about watching it. In a utopian future society she would have been hunted down and killed at thirty.
In regards to the late fees, I understand the amount is based on what you lose by not being able to rent the movies out. You probably had people lined up around the block waiting to rent Logan's Run. For eighty two dollars though, I could have purchased six copies of it from DVD Warehouse or, as I have heard he is a bit strapped for cash, had Kevin Costner visit my house in person and re-enact key scenes from Waterworld in my bathroom.
Regards, David.[/glow]
From: Megan Roberts
Date: Thursday 12 November 2009 3.16pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs
Hi David.
Restocking fees are:
002190382 Journey to the Centre of the Earth $9.30
003103119 Logans Run $7.90
008629103 Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $6.30
000721082 Waterworld $5.70
Total: $29.20 - I have deleted your late fees and noted on the computer that the amount owed is for the replacement movies not fees.
Kind regards,
Megan
[glow=red,2,300]From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 12 November 2009 7.42pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs
Dear Megan,
Those prices seem reasonable. I do not want Logan's Run but will pick up the other three when I come in next.
Regards, David.[/glow]
From: Megan Roberts
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs
What? The $29.20 is the cost of the replacement DVDs for the store.
Megan
[glow=red,2,300]From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 1.15pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs
Dear Megan,
That makes more sense, I was wondering what I was going to do with two copies of each movie.
Regards, David.[/glow]
From: Megan Roberts
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2.33pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs
What do you mean by two copies? Are you saying you found the four movies?
Megan
[glow=red,2,300]From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2.57pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs
Dear Megan,
Yes, they were on top of my fridge the whole time. Unfortunately I have a blind spot that prevents me from seeing this area of the kitchen as it is also where I keep my pile of unpaid bills. Last night I slept on the kitchen floor with the fridge door open due to my air conditioner being broken and the temperature outside exceeding that of the centre of the earth. As my fridge emits a high pitched 'beep' every thirty seconds when left open, the vibrations from this caused the DVDs to wriggle forward over the space of many hours before toppling from the edge and I awoke to find them beside me on the pillow. As you have already waived the late fees, I will drop them off tonight and we will call it even.
Regards, David.[/glow]
This email exchange is pretty funny..... [glow=red,2,300] From: David Thorne Date: Sunday 8 November 2009 2.16pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: DVDs Dear Megan, Thank you for your letter regarding overdue fees. As all four movies were outstanding examples of modern cinematic masterpieces, your assumption that I would wish to retain them in my possession is understandable, but incorrect. Please check your records as these movies were returned, on time, over three weeks ago. I remember specifically driving there and having my offspring run them in due to the fact that I was wearing shorts and did not want the girl behind the counter to see my white hairy legs. Regards, David. [/glow] From: Megan Roberts Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11.09am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: DVDs Hi David Our computer system indicates otherwise. Please recheck and get back to me. Kind regards, Megan [glow=red,2,300]From: David Thorne Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11.36am To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, Yes, they are definitely white and hairy. Viewed from the knees down, the similarity to two large albino caterpillars in parallel formation is frightening. People who knew what the word meant might describe them as 'piliferous', although there is something quite sexy about that word so perhaps they wouldn't. Regards, David. [/glow] From: Megan Roberts Date: Monday 9 November 2009 1.44pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Hi David No I mean our records indicate that the DVDs have not been returned. Please check and return as soon as possible. Kind regards, Megan [glow=red,2,300]From: David Thorne Date: Monday 9 November 2009 4.19pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, With the possible exception of Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, the movies were not worth watching let alone stealing. In Logan's Run, for example, the computer crashed at the end when presented with conflicting facts and blew up destroying the entire city. When my computer crashes I carry on a little bit and have a cigarette while it is rebooting. I don't have to search through rubble for my loved ones. The same programmers probably designed the Blockbuster 'returned or not' database. Also, while one would assume the title Journey to the Centre of the Earth to be a metaphor, the movie was actually set in the centre of the earth which, being a solid core of iron with temperatures exceeding 4300ยฐ Celcius and pressures of 3900 tons per square centimetre, does not seem very likely. Waterworld was actually pretty good though. My favourite bit was when they were on the water but the scene when Kevin Costner negotiated for peace, ending the war between fish and mankind moments before the whale army attacked was also very good. Regards, David.[/glow] From: Megan Roberts Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 3.57pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs David The DVDs are listed as not returned. If you cant locate the DVDs, you will be charged for the replacement cost. Megan [glow=red,2,300]From: David Thorne Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 5.12pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, I have checked pricing at the DVD Warehouse and the cost of replacing your lost movies with new ones is as follows: Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $7.95 Waterworld $4.95 Journey to the Centre of the Earth $9.95 Logan's Run $12.95 I have no idea why Logan's Run is the most expensive of the four movies as it was definitely the worst. Have you seen it? I wouldn't pay $12.95 for that. I would use the money to buy a good movie instead. Probably something with Steven Seagal in it. The entire premise comprised of living a utopian and carefree lifestyle with only three drawbacks - wearing seventies jumpsuits, living in what looks like a giant shopping centre and not being allowed to live past thirty. This would seem logical though as I would not want a bunch of old people hanging around complaining about their arthritis while I am trying to relax at the shopping centre in my jumpsuit trying not to think about the computer crashing. I was recently forced to do volunteer work at an aged care hospital. Footage of these people during Tuesday night line dancing could be used as an advertisement for the Logan's Run solution. The only good aspect of working there was that I halved their medication, pocketing and selling the remainder, explaining the computer listed that as their dose and they were welcome to check knowing their abject fear of anything produced after the eighteenth century would prevent them from doing so. I also swapped my Sanyo fourteen inch portable television for their Panasonic wide screen plasma while they were sleeping, explaining that it had always been that way and their senility was simply playing up due to the reduced dosage of drugs. Regards, David.[/glow] From: Megan Roberts Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 1.21pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Hi David I have not seen those movies so I dont know what you are talking about. I prefer romantic comedies. If you have the movies we can't rent them so we lose money and the fees are based on what we we would have made from renting them and we also have to purchase movies through our suppliers not from DVD Warehouse. Megan [glow=red,2,300]From: David Thorne Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 3.28pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, I myself am also a huge fan of romantic comedies. Perhaps we could watch one together. I have a new Panasonic wide screen plasma. My favourite romantic comedy is Fatal Instinct although it did not contain enough robots or explosions in my opinion and I was therefore unable to truly identify with the main characters on a personal and emotional level. Recently, I was tricked into watching The Notebook which was about geese. Lots of geese. It also had something to do with an old lady who conveniently lost her memory so she could not remember being a whore throughout the entire film. I don't recall a lot of it as I was too busy being cross about watching it. In a utopian future society she would have been hunted down and killed at thirty. In regards to the late fees, I understand the amount is based on what you lose by not being able to rent the movies out. You probably had people lined up around the block waiting to rent Logan's Run. For eighty two dollars though, I could have purchased six copies of it from DVD Warehouse or, as I have heard he is a bit strapped for cash, had Kevin Costner visit my house in person and re-enact key scenes from Waterworld in my bathroom. Regards, David.[/glow] From: Megan Roberts Date: Thursday 12 November 2009 3.16pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Hi David. Restocking fees are: 002190382 Journey to the Centre of the Earth $9.30 003103119 Logans Run $7.90 008629103 Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $6.30 000721082 Waterworld $5.70 Total: $29.20 - I have deleted your late fees and noted on the computer that the amount owed is for the replacement movies not fees. Kind regards, Megan [glow=red,2,300]From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 12 November 2009 7.42pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, Those prices seem reasonable. I do not want Logan's Run but will pick up the other three when I come in next. Regards, David.[/glow] From: Megan Roberts Date: Friday 13 November 2009 12.51pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs What? The $29.20 is the cost of the replacement DVDs for the store. Megan [glow=red,2,300]From: David Thorne Date: Friday 13 November 2009 1.15pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, That makes more sense, I was wondering what I was going to do with two copies of each movie. Regards, David.[/glow] From: Megan Roberts Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2.33pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs What do you mean by two copies? Are you saying you found the four movies? Megan [glow=red,2,300]From: David Thorne Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2.57pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, Yes, they were on top of my fridge the whole time. Unfortunately I have a blind spot that prevents me from seeing this area of the kitchen as it is also where I keep my pile of unpaid bills. Last night I slept on the kitchen floor with the fridge door open due to my air conditioner being broken and the temperature outside exceeding that of the centre of the earth. As my fridge emits a high pitched 'beep' every thirty seconds when left open, the vibrations from this caused the DVDs to wriggle forward over the space of many hours before toppling from the edge and I awoke to find them beside me on the pillow. As you have already waived the late fees, I will drop them off tonight and we will call it even. Regards, David.[/glow] |
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mmmike
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 2,421
๐๐ป 759
March 2010
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Joke of the day, by mmmike on Sept 9, 2011 18:20:18 GMT 1,
Too funny. thanks for posting. Keep them coming.
Too funny. thanks for posting. Keep them coming. |
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bigtlt
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,650
๐๐ป 745
July 2009
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Joke of the day, by bigtlt on Sept 9, 2011 18:23:59 GMT 1, He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards.....
forwards then backwards.....
back and forth..
back and forth..
In and out..
... in and out..
Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan
Then she let out one almighty scream!!!
"I can't park this fucking car!
you do it you smug bastard' 
He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards..... forwards then backwards..... back and forth.. back and forth.. In and out.. ... in and out.. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan Then she let out one almighty scream!!! "I can't park this fucking car! you do it you smug bastard' |
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