i am in fact from Belgium and to correct you both: we say keeskop in belgium and The Netherlands ;D but official it is indeed kaaskop

i fell on my arm and have to have an operation on my funny bone , doc say's i'll be in stitches for weeks

How do you get a cork back in a Champagne bottle


Ask a Man Utd fan!!!!

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful
consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right
note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair
of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two
items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the
following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when
we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would
have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones
(which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I
hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them
even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which
helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other
hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off
remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,


Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing

I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."


That fly never knew what fcuking hit it

Whoever put the B in Subtle is a sneaky bastard

I had some visitors here yesterday, i was telling them how a local woman had burned her hand on her cooker and it was quite bad, one visitor said "Oh my god thats so funny, imagine if she had died!" then said visitor said "Did i say funny? i meant sad".

Sometimes I squat down on the floor and put my arms around my legs and lean forwards



Cause that's how I roll

The wife and I went out together last night.

....... The smoke alarm went off! Boom Boom

It's been confirmed that the coin that struck Rio Ferdinand was actually a Euro, as Man City fans no longer have any need for them

i parked in a disabled parking spot outside asda earlier ,

As I got out of the car some bloke shouted "and whats your disability then"

so i shouted back"tourettes so f*ck off you c*nt"

In tesco's cafe having a burger and chips and the waiteress says. " do you want anything on that"

Said a "fiver each way"

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'


'Holy crap,' the guy replies.


'You actually understood and answered me. !'


'I got every word,' says the parrot.


'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.


'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.


You can't see it, because of my feathers.'


'Wow,' says the guy.


'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.


I'm especially good at ornithology.


You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'


The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.


'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.


You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers £20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.


The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.


The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.


'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'


'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.


'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'


'Yes.


Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'






If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.

NSFW