Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Apr 19, 2014 12:04:51 GMT 1, Wheres that joke gone about the massive Todger on a car windscreen?, it was here last night?.
lol, nicely put i replaced it with the doggie one, sometimes forget the gallery logos beside everything i write, dont want to scare off customers
Wheres that joke gone about the massive Todger on a car windscreen?, it was here last night?. lol, nicely put i replaced it with the doggie one, sometimes forget the gallery logos beside everything i write, dont want to scare off customers
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Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Apr 19, 2014 12:53:17 GMT 1, Heres one, now i cant remember who told me this? (lol).
Paddy englishmanman walks into a pet shop and asks the owner whats the rarest most unusual animal you have, thats easy says the shopkeeper, i have this bird which is called a f**kawucka bird, anything you say after f**kawucka bird it will attack and tear into tiny pieces, just watch....the owner then says f**kawuckabird my newspaper, the bird flies off its perch straight at the newspaper and savagely tears it in to tiny shreds. Paddy englishman says thats incredible, so anything i say after f**kawucka bird it will do that? Thats right says the owner. Fantastic i'll take it says paddy englishman. So when he gets home he phones his mate paddy irishman and says paddy you wont believe this, come over to the house i've something amazing to show you. About an hour later paddy irishman shows up and paddy englishman starts to tell him the story the owner of the petshop told him. When hes finished paddy irishman scratches his head then bursts out laughing, f**kawucka bird my arse
Fact.
Heres one, now i cant remember who told me this? (lol).
Paddy englishmanman walks into a pet shop and asks the owner whats the rarest most unusual animal you have, thats easy says the shopkeeper, i have this bird which is called a f**kawucka bird, anything you say after f**kawucka bird it will attack and tear into tiny pieces, just watch....the owner then says f**kawuckabird my newspaper, the bird flies off its perch straight at the newspaper and savagely tears it in to tiny shreds. Paddy englishman says thats incredible, so anything i say after f**kawucka bird it will do that? Thats right says the owner. Fantastic i'll take it says paddy englishman. So when he gets home he phones his mate paddy irishman and says paddy you wont believe this, come over to the house i've something amazing to show you. About an hour later paddy irishman shows up and paddy englishman starts to tell him the story the owner of the petshop told him. When hes finished paddy irishman scratches his head then bursts out laughing, f**kawucka bird my arse
Fact.
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johnnyh
Junior Member
🗨️ 4,492
👍🏻 2,102
March 2011
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Joke of the day, by johnnyh on Apr 19, 2014 14:32:50 GMT 1, * A man goes into Boots and says: “Have you got Viagra?”
“Do you have a prescription?” asks the chemist.
“No,” he replies, “But I’ve got a photograph of the wife...”
* A man goes into Boots and says: “Have you got Viagra?”
“Do you have a prescription?” asks the chemist.
“No,” he replies, “But I’ve got a photograph of the wife...”
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Damien
Junior Member
🗨️ 3,324
👍🏻 284
July 2008
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Joke of the day, by Damien on Apr 19, 2014 15:02:39 GMT 1, how many performance artists does it take to change a lightbulb? i don't know i was only there for 6 hours
-marina abramovic joke
how many performance artists does it take to change a lightbulb? i don't know i was only there for 6 hours
-marina abramovic joke
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Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Apr 19, 2014 23:25:01 GMT 1, Heres another, cant remember where i heard it now............
A wee boy walks into the bathroom and his mummys just got outta the shower, he looks at his mummy and says "mummy whats that" to which the mummy replied "oh,ah,umm....well thats were i was hit by a hatchett". To which the wee boy replies "f**k me...right in the c**t"
Heres another, cant remember where i heard it now............
A wee boy walks into the bathroom and his mummys just got outta the shower, he looks at his mummy and says "mummy whats that" to which the mummy replied "oh,ah,umm....well thats were i was hit by a hatchett". To which the wee boy replies "f**k me...right in the c**t"
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Damien
Junior Member
🗨️ 3,324
👍🏻 284
July 2008
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Joke of the day, by Damien on Apr 21, 2014 16:13:29 GMT 1, An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."
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Damien
Junior Member
🗨️ 3,324
👍🏻 284
July 2008
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Joke of the day, by Damien on Apr 21, 2014 16:15:11 GMT 1, An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine. After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since his model had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.
They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said, "Oh no! It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"
An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine. After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since his model had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.
They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said, "Oh no! It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"
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Trevorm
Junior Member
🗨️ 1,160
👍🏻 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Apr 22, 2014 16:46:37 GMT 1, A Swedish bloke pops into the chemist and asks for a deodorant.
The chemist says "No problem, ball or aerosol"?
Swedish bloke replies "No, I want it for my armpits"
A Swedish bloke pops into the chemist and asks for a deodorant.
The chemist says "No problem, ball or aerosol"?
Swedish bloke replies "No, I want it for my armpits"
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Trevorm
Junior Member
🗨️ 1,160
👍🏻 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Apr 28, 2014 14:49:19 GMT 1, I was clearing away a couple of boxes of old photo's and stuff from my late parents house the other week when I found a repair stub for a pair of leather shoes that was dated 1959. I kind of recalled that the shop, in Blackheath village was still there, and thought that the current owner(s) might be interested in having the old stub back - some 55 years later - as a piece of memorabilia.
So I popped into Blackheath last Saturday, parked the Bentley, and went into the shop:
"Hello" I say to the old guy behind the counter "I've got this repair ticket for you"
He takes the stub, looks at it and goes through to the back of the shop. Comes back 2 minutes later and grunts ..... "They'll be ready, Thursday"
I was clearing away a couple of boxes of old photo's and stuff from my late parents house the other week when I found a repair stub for a pair of leather shoes that was dated 1959. I kind of recalled that the shop, in Blackheath village was still there, and thought that the current owner(s) might be interested in having the old stub back - some 55 years later - as a piece of memorabilia.
So I popped into Blackheath last Saturday, parked the Bentley, and went into the shop:
"Hello" I say to the old guy behind the counter "I've got this repair ticket for you"
He takes the stub, looks at it and goes through to the back of the shop. Comes back 2 minutes later and grunts ..... "They'll be ready, Thursday"
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.dappy
Full Member
🗨️ 9,841
👍🏻 9,462
December 2010
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Joke of the day, by .dappy on May 1, 2014 19:38:11 GMT 1, I bought one of those watches that tell you how far you've walked. It says I did 1500 miles last night.
Must be broken. I was in bed watching porn
I bought one of those watches that tell you how far you've walked. It says I did 1500 miles last night. Must be broken. I was in bed watching porn
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Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on May 14, 2014 22:10:33 GMT 1,
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Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on May 23, 2014 19:48:08 GMT 1, What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA??
Kicked out of the petting Zoo!!!
What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA??
Kicked out of the petting Zoo!!!
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Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on May 24, 2014 10:40:05 GMT 1, Paddy Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were working on a building site and the lunch alarm goes off, they head up to the top of one of the buildings and sit down to eat their lunch. Paddy Irishman opens his lunchbox and says "for fuck sake, ham sandwichs, I hate fucking ham sandwichs". The next day on the building site the alarm goes off for lunch and they head up to the same place to eat their lunch, Paddy Irishman opens his lunch box and say "for fuck sake, ham fucking sandwichs, I swear to god, if I get ham sandwichs again I'm going to throw myself off this building". The following day on the building site the alarm goes off for lunch and the 3 Paddys head to their usual spot. Paddy opens his lunch box and its ham sandwichs again, he stands up, goes over to the edge of the building and throws himself off. A few days later at the funeral Paddy Englishman and Scotsman are consoling Paddy irishmans wife. She breaks down in tears sobbing and says "I just don't understand, Paddy made his own lunch"
Paddy Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were working on a building site and the lunch alarm goes off, they head up to the top of one of the buildings and sit down to eat their lunch. Paddy Irishman opens his lunchbox and says "for fuck sake, ham sandwichs, I hate fucking ham sandwichs". The next day on the building site the alarm goes off for lunch and they head up to the same place to eat their lunch, Paddy Irishman opens his lunch box and say "for fuck sake, ham fucking sandwichs, I swear to god, if I get ham sandwichs again I'm going to throw myself off this building". The following day on the building site the alarm goes off for lunch and the 3 Paddys head to their usual spot. Paddy opens his lunch box and its ham sandwichs again, he stands up, goes over to the edge of the building and throws himself off. A few days later at the funeral Paddy Englishman and Scotsman are consoling Paddy irishmans wife. She breaks down in tears sobbing and says "I just don't understand, Paddy made his own lunch"
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Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on May 24, 2014 20:21:05 GMT 1, I complained to my doctor that my testicles were hurting this morning.
"I can see the problem," he said, as I stood there in my pants, "you've got 4-5 years."
"How can you tell just by looking?" I asked.
"It's written on the label," he said.
I complained to my doctor that my testicles were hurting this morning.
"I can see the problem," he said, as I stood there in my pants, "you've got 4-5 years."
"How can you tell just by looking?" I asked.
"It's written on the label," he said.
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mojo
Junior Member
🗨️ 2,190
👍🏻 3,720
May 2014
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Joke of the day, by mojo on May 24, 2014 21:18:11 GMT 1, So Bert & Ethel meet at the local old age pensioners club fall madly in love and decide to get married, on their wedding day Bert says to Ethel "let me carry you over the threshold" to which Ethel replies "careful Bert I've got acute angina" To which Bert replies " I f*ckin hope so cause you got horrible tits"!
So Bert & Ethel meet at the local old age pensioners club fall madly in love and decide to get married, on their wedding day Bert says to Ethel "let me carry you over the threshold" to which Ethel replies "careful Bert I've got acute angina" To which Bert replies " I f*ckin hope so cause you got horrible tits"!
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Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on May 24, 2014 21:55:43 GMT 1, My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.
I'm worried shitless.
My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.
I'm worried shitless.
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Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on May 24, 2014 21:57:34 GMT 1, If Abu Hamza gets the electric chair, he can stick his hook in the air and pretend he's in a bumper car.
If Abu Hamza gets the electric chair, he can stick his hook in the air and pretend he's in a bumper car.
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Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on May 24, 2014 22:00:46 GMT 1, Just watched a fight between a blind guy, a deaf guy and mute.
I love senseless violence.
Just watched a fight between a blind guy, a deaf guy and mute.
I love senseless violence.
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Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on May 24, 2014 22:01:56 GMT 1, I went to the door naked.
I don't know what the postman was most shocked by, my nudity or the fact I knew where he lived.
I went to the door naked.
I don't know what the postman was most shocked by, my nudity or the fact I knew where he lived.
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Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on May 24, 2014 22:03:27 GMT 1, When I heard they'd found a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse.
When I heard they'd found a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse.
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mojo
Junior Member
🗨️ 2,190
👍🏻 3,720
May 2014
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Joke of the day, by mojo on May 24, 2014 22:22:40 GMT 1, My job is so fcuking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up. She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fcuking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fcuking dog to work. Every fcuking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fcuking day. Anyway, I drive these fcuktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh!t. Oh well takes all sorts! Are you police? Or the A-Team?
My job is so fcuking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up. She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fcuking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fcuking dog to work. Every fcuking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fcuking day. Anyway, I drive these fcuktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh!t. Oh well takes all sorts! Are you police? Or the A-Team?
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mojo
Junior Member
🗨️ 2,190
👍🏻 3,720
May 2014
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Joke of the day, by mojo on May 24, 2014 22:27:04 GMT 1, Arah .......... Scooby Dooby Do!
Arah .......... Scooby Dooby Do!
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Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on May 24, 2014 23:48:19 GMT 1, 2 dogs are sitting on top of a hill side by side under a cherry blossom tree in full bloom looking across the valley, contemplating life, one turns and says to the other "i smell something" to which the other replies ..."i just done a s**t"
2 dogs are sitting on top of a hill side by side under a cherry blossom tree in full bloom looking across the valley, contemplating life, one turns and says to the other "i smell something" to which the other replies ..."i just done a s**t"
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Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on May 25, 2014 10:17:47 GMT 1, How do you make justin beiber cry?
f**k him then wipe your co.. on his favourite teddy bear!!
(I would like to thank Justins mum for tellng me that one).
How do you make justin beiber cry?
f**k him then wipe your co.. on his favourite teddy bear!!
(I would like to thank Justins mum for tellng me that one).
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.dappy
Full Member
🗨️ 9,841
👍🏻 9,462
December 2010
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Joke of the day, by .dappy on May 31, 2014 18:39:23 GMT 1, The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting.... "Dopey f**ked a penguin! Dopey f**ked a penguin!"
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting.... "Dopey f**ked a penguin! Dopey f**ked a penguin!"
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Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on May 31, 2014 19:11:18 GMT 1, Two nuns walking down street, old man jumps out and flashes his nodger at them, one nun had a stroke but other couldnt quite reach.
Two nuns walking down street, old man jumps out and flashes his nodger at them, one nun had a stroke but other couldnt quite reach.
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Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 20:38:07 GMT 1, A man wearing only a bra goes to see his psychiatrist. The psychiatrist says to him " I can clearly see your nuts"!
A man wearing only a bra goes to see his psychiatrist. The psychiatrist says to him " I can clearly see your nuts"!
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Trevorm
Junior Member
🗨️ 1,160
👍🏻 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Jul 9, 2014 20:14:32 GMT 1, After Nigeria failed to get beyond the group stage in the World Cup, the captain of the Nigeria football team has kindly offered all the fans that went to Brazil their money back.
All you need to do is send him your account details and PIN and he will organise the refund.
After Nigeria failed to get beyond the group stage in the World Cup, the captain of the Nigeria football team has kindly offered all the fans that went to Brazil their money back.
All you need to do is send him your account details and PIN and he will organise the refund.
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rioja
New Member
🗨️ 270
👍🏻 196
December 2008
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Joke of the day, by rioja on Jul 10, 2014 19:34:14 GMT 1, Seen on twitter shortly after the Brazil v Germany game.....
"That was the most embarrassing semi since I went to see Brokeback Mountain with my Dad".
Seen on twitter shortly after the Brazil v Germany game.....
"That was the most embarrassing semi since I went to see Brokeback Mountain with my Dad".
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Deleted
🗨️ 0
👍🏻
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 19:38:16 GMT 1, Seen on twitter shortly after the Brazil v Germany game..... "That was the most embarrassing semi since I went to see Brokeback Mountain with my Dad". Why embarrasing?, your Dad loved that film when he and I watched it?.
Just joking..
Seen on twitter shortly after the Brazil v Germany game..... "That was the most embarrassing semi since I went to see Brokeback Mountain with my Dad". Why embarrasing?, your Dad loved that film when he and I watched it?. Just joking..
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