Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Dec 12, 2014 23:26:07 GMT 1, Question: Who's the most hated football fan attending games in the Bundesliga? Answer: The guy that gets up and shouts (in German - obviously) "GIVE ME A 'B'" at a Borussia Monchengladbach match. Dont get it, explain it Trev. Short legged woman paid one million pounds to pick strawberries. Jammy c**t.
The subject, i.e the guy that shouts "Give me B", has then provoked a response from the crowd to shout "B", he then shouts "Give me an O" the crowd is obliged to call out "O"....... And so on all the way through BORUSSIA MONCHENGLADBACH, until, as the chant demands he calls, "what does that spell?
FM! Are you sure? Mind you quite like the jammy c joke
Question: Who's the most hated football fan attending games in the Bundesliga? Answer: The guy that gets up and shouts (in German - obviously) "GIVE ME A 'B'" at a Borussia Monchengladbach match. Dont get it, explain it Trev. Short legged woman paid one million pounds to pick strawberries. Jammy c**t. Well, LF, it works like this (and it kind of helps if you've ever been to a football match): The subject, i.e the guy that shouts "Give me B", has then provoked a response from the crowd to shout "B", he then shouts "Give me an O" the crowd is obliged to call out "O"....... And so on all the way through BORUSSIA MONCHENGLADBACH, until, as the chant demands he calls, "what does that spell? FM! Are you sure? Mind you quite like the jammy c joke |
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mojo
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 2,190
๐๐ป 3,720
May 2014
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Joke of the day, by mojo on Dec 24, 2014 17:36:45 GMT 1, What stinks and comes down the chimney ......... Farty Christmas!
Very Best Wishes to one & all ....... even the oddballs!
What stinks and comes down the chimney ......... Farty Christmas!
Very Best Wishes to one & all ....... even the oddballs!
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SW20
New Member
๐จ๏ธ 172
๐๐ป 131
December 2014
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Joke of the day, by SW20 on Jan 9, 2015 9:36:39 GMT 1, Oldham have said no to signing Ched Evans
But he's taking it as a yes
Oldham have said no to signing Ched Evans
But he's taking it as a yes
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Baby Dave
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,403
๐๐ป 347
February 2011
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Joke of the day, by Baby Dave on Jan 9, 2015 21:25:41 GMT 1, How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh ? Tenticles
I'm still cracking up at this one! Hahaha
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh ? Tenticles I'm still cracking up at this one! Hahaha |
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Jan 30, 2015 17:04:32 GMT 1, Here's a knock, knock joke that the (much) older members might remember
Knock knock
Who's there?
It's the Avon Lady, your bell's fkd
Here's a knock, knock joke that the (much) older members might remember
Knock knock
Who's there?
It's the Avon Lady, your bell's fkd
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balibob
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,782
๐๐ป 326
November 2010
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Joke of the day, by balibob on Jan 30, 2015 17:12:19 GMT 1, What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to put the picture up.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to put the picture up.
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eschiff
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 2,064
๐๐ป 1,000
January 2010
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Joke of the day, by eschiff on Feb 4, 2015 22:12:31 GMT 1, 
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Apr 2, 2015 15:45:46 GMT 1, A boxer (he's getting a bit past his prime) gets on the phone to his agent, who eventually picks up and asks what he can do.
"Manny" says the fighter to his agent "I'm a contender, you gotta get me a match with 'The Tiger', I can take him, I can take him out with one punch, I'm ready Manny you gotta get me a fight with 'The Tiger'.
"Hey calm down" says Manny
"I can't calm down" comes the reply "I'm ready, I'm ready Manny, I can be the 'Champ' all I gotta do is get a fight with 'The Tiger'. Get me that fight, Manny. Get it for me.
"For crying out loud" interrupts the agent. "Stop ringing me up, how many times have I got to tell you that you are 'The Tiger'!
A boxer (he's getting a bit past his prime) gets on the phone to his agent, who eventually picks up and asks what he can do.
"Manny" says the fighter to his agent "I'm a contender, you gotta get me a match with 'The Tiger', I can take him, I can take him out with one punch, I'm ready Manny you gotta get me a fight with 'The Tiger'.
"Hey calm down" says Manny
"I can't calm down" comes the reply "I'm ready, I'm ready Manny, I can be the 'Champ' all I gotta do is get a fight with 'The Tiger'. Get me that fight, Manny. Get it for me.
"For crying out loud" interrupts the agent. "Stop ringing me up, how many times have I got to tell you that you are 'The Tiger'!
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Apr 4, 2015 12:09:24 GMT 1, Try this one then:
I phoned the Police earlier and told them that my wife had been missing for over 10 days.
The Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I'm just off to Oxfam to get all her clothes back.
Try this one then:
I phoned the Police earlier and told them that my wife had been missing for over 10 days.
The Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I'm just off to Oxfam to get all her clothes back.
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Deleted
๐จ๏ธ 0
๐๐ป
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Apr 6, 2015 8:59:35 GMT 1, Here's one for the UK members
On one hand, Jeremy Beadle had a very small cock. On the other hand Jeremy Beadle had a very large cock
Here's one for the UK members
On one hand, Jeremy Beadle had a very small cock. On the other hand Jeremy Beadle had a very large cock
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Joke of the day, by blackdogprints on Apr 6, 2015 10:43:08 GMT 1, Here's one for the UK members On one hand, Jeremy Beadle had a very small cock. On the other hand Jeremy Beadle had a very large cock
Lol pmsl great one
Here's one for the UK members On one hand, Jeremy Beadle had a very small cock. On the other hand Jeremy Beadle had a very large cock Lol pmsl great one |
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.dappy
Full Member
๐จ๏ธ 9,841
๐๐ป 9,462
December 2010
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Joke of the day, by .dappy on Apr 6, 2015 17:09:16 GMT 1, Try this one then: I phoned the Police earlier and told them that my wife had been missing for over 10 days. The Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I'm just off to Oxfam to get all her clothes back.
... now that is funny 
Try this one then: I phoned the Police earlier and told them that my wife had been missing for over 10 days. The Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I'm just off to Oxfam to get all her clothes back. ... now that is funny |
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Cornish Crayon
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 3,965
๐๐ป 2,902
December 2007
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Joke of the day, by Cornish Crayon on Apr 10, 2015 16:39:57 GMT 1, Can't think of any ?
Can't think of any ?
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Poly Mindset
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,175
๐๐ป 1,578
March 2014
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Joke of the day, by Poly Mindset on Apr 17, 2015 18:57:56 GMT 1, What are the American authorities going to do with 14 tons of cocaine? Why, sell it back to the Mexicans of course. After they have a huge party back at the "White House". Really does make one think what is really going to happen to all that Coke?
What are the American authorities going to do with 14 tons of cocaine? Why, sell it back to the Mexicans of course. After they have a huge party back at the "White House". Really does make one think what is really going to happen to all that Coke?
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Joke of the day, by wishingiwaslucky on Apr 17, 2015 20:34:59 GMT 1, What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Jul 8, 2015 15:07:05 GMT 1, My mate Kevin always cracks up when I say the opening line of this (joke?) It helps if you do it with a sort of middle European inflection.
Set the scene: Games official talking to a potential competitor
"Are you a Polevaulter"? asks the official
"No, I am Czech - but how did you know my was Walter"?
My mate Kevin always cracks up when I say the opening line of this (joke?) It helps if you do it with a sort of middle European inflection.
Set the scene: Games official talking to a potential competitor
"Are you a Polevaulter"? asks the official
"No, I am Czech - but how did you know my was Walter"?
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.dappy
Full Member
๐จ๏ธ 9,841
๐๐ป 9,462
December 2010
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Joke of the day, by .dappy on Sept 14, 2015 22:43:03 GMT 1, ... let's get this going again ...
A man walking along a Cornish beach on holiday was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud: "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said:"Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to the Isles of Scilly, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said: "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the sea, the concrete and steel it would take.
โI can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said: "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times.
โAll of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
... let's get this going again ... A man walking along a Cornish beach on holiday was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud: "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said:"Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to the Isles of Scilly, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said: "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the sea, the concrete and steel it would take. โI can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said: "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. โAll of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few minutes God said: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" |
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Hubble Bubble
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 4,117
๐๐ป 3,567
December 2010
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Joke of the day, by Hubble Bubble on Sept 18, 2015 16:59:39 GMT 1,
Tells it much better than I could. Takes one minute.
Tells it much better than I could. Takes one minute.
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Joke of the day, by Coach on Sept 18, 2015 20:19:16 GMT 1, Tells it much better than I could. Takes one minute.
Not watched it yet, but he's a legend!
Tells it much better than I could. Takes one minute. Not watched it yet, but he's a legend! |
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Joke of the day, by Coach on Sept 18, 2015 21:00:18 GMT 1, Tells it much better than I could. Takes one minute.
Listened now. Bloody brilliant.
He was a superstar on Just a Minute.
Great man.
Tells it much better than I could. Takes one minute. Listened now. Bloody brilliant. He was a superstar on Just a Minute. Great man. |
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Oct 1, 2015 15:55:57 GMT 1, I saw my old mate Kevin last night - bless him he's only got one arm.
"What you up to, mate?" I asked
"Just going to change a light bulb" he replied
I laughed and said "FM Kev, how're you going to manage that?"
He wasn't amused and told me that he'd still got the receipt.
I saw my old mate Kevin last night - bless him he's only got one arm.
"What you up to, mate?" I asked
"Just going to change a light bulb" he replied
I laughed and said "FM Kev, how're you going to manage that?"
He wasn't amused and told me that he'd still got the receipt.
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crank
New Member
๐จ๏ธ 141
๐๐ป 58
April 2015
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Joke of the day, by crank on Oct 1, 2015 17:11:21 GMT 1, The funniest thing ive watched in a long time!!
I love Cassette Boy - have you seen the new David Cameron 'Getting Piggy with it' song? Classic : )
The funniest thing ive watched in a long time!! I love Cassette Boy - have you seen the new David Cameron 'Getting Piggy with it' song? Classic : ) |
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Dr Plip
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 7,043
๐๐ป 8,981
August 2011
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Joke of the day, by Dr Plip on Oct 9, 2015 21:18:14 GMT 1, I saw this one today and it made me laugh.
What's Gordon Ramsey's favourite Disney movie?
IT'S F**KING FROZEN!!
I saw this one today and it made me laugh.
What's Gordon Ramsey's favourite Disney movie?
IT'S F**KING FROZEN!!
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Oct 14, 2015 14:56:20 GMT 1, Here's one....
HRH Prince Charles arrives at a civic function in Trowbridge and exits the Royal Rolls Royce sporting a Davy Crockett hat along with his formal black tie dinner suit.
His equerry, who had arrived some time before asks "Why the fur hat, sire?"
The Prince replies "Well, when I was running through my appointments with HM the Queen earlier and told her that my first engagement was this dinner in Trowbridge - Her Majesty said "Trowbridge? Wear the Fox Hat". Or at least that's what I thought she said"
Here's one....
HRH Prince Charles arrives at a civic function in Trowbridge and exits the Royal Rolls Royce sporting a Davy Crockett hat along with his formal black tie dinner suit.
His equerry, who had arrived some time before asks "Why the fur hat, sire?"
The Prince replies "Well, when I was running through my appointments with HM the Queen earlier and told her that my first engagement was this dinner in Trowbridge - Her Majesty said "Trowbridge? Wear the Fox Hat". Or at least that's what I thought she said"
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Joke of the day, by Lroy on Oct 14, 2015 19:08:10 GMT 1, I found that today :
An art teacher came to ask for a book about Klimt in my library.
I answer here " ah you mean Klimt Eastwood ? "
She does not laugh at all, nor nobody beside this big mama blue with heavy glasses !
I found this funny ..
I found that today :
An art teacher came to ask for a book about Klimt in my library.
I answer here " ah you mean Klimt Eastwood ? "
She does not laugh at all, nor nobody beside this big mama blue with heavy glasses !
I found this funny ..
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Dr Plip
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 7,043
๐๐ป 8,981
August 2011
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Joke of the day, by Dr Plip on Oct 14, 2015 19:21:34 GMT 1, I found that today : An art teacher came to ask for a book about Klimt in my library. I answer here " ah you mean Klimt Eastwood ? " She does not laugh at all, nor nobody beside this big mama blue with heavy glasses ! I found this funny ..
It reminds me of a time I was working in the comic shop and a customer pointed to a photo of Christopher Lee on the wall and asked 'Is that Christopher Lee?'
I replied 'No. It's a picture of Christopher Lee'.
Edit: Yes, I'm like the comic shop guy from The Simpsons.
I found that today : An art teacher came to ask for a book about Klimt in my library. I answer here " ah you mean Klimt Eastwood ? " She does not laugh at all, nor nobody beside this big mama blue with heavy glasses ! I found this funny .. I laughed. It reminds me of a time I was working in the comic shop and a customer pointed to a photo of Christopher Lee on the wall and asked 'Is that Christopher Lee?' I replied 'No. It's a picture of Christopher Lee'. Edit: Yes, I'm like the comic shop guy from The Simpsons. |
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Feb 2, 2016 11:32:07 GMT 1, My other mate, Nige, just sent me this one.
I asked 100 women what their favourite brand of shower soap was. The most popular response was:
"How the F##k did you get in here"?
My other mate, Nige, just sent me this one.
I asked 100 women what their favourite brand of shower soap was. The most popular response was:
"How the F##k did you get in here"?
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Mar 4, 2016 14:34:54 GMT 1, All right, how about:
A young lady gets a job in a village Chemists - She tells the boss that she's a bit worried about being asked for condoms.
He says "not a problem, all the regulars know to ask for 810 (small), 820 (medium) or 830 (large)"
This works for a couple of days, but at the end of the week this big guy comes in puts his hand out and asks her for 850.
She kind of panics, tells the guy to wait and phones the boss, who is out.
She tells the Chemist and asks what to do.
He says "Has he got a bucket hanging between his legs"? She peeks through the door and confirms that indeed he does have a bucket between his legs.
The Chemist tells her "Give him ยฃ8.50 from the till, he's the window cleaner"
All right, how about:
A young lady gets a job in a village Chemists - She tells the boss that she's a bit worried about being asked for condoms.
He says "not a problem, all the regulars know to ask for 810 (small), 820 (medium) or 830 (large)"
This works for a couple of days, but at the end of the week this big guy comes in puts his hand out and asks her for 850.
She kind of panics, tells the guy to wait and phones the boss, who is out.
She tells the Chemist and asks what to do.
He says "Has he got a bucket hanging between his legs"? She peeks through the door and confirms that indeed he does have a bucket between his legs.
The Chemist tells her "Give him ยฃ8.50 from the till, he's the window cleaner"
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.dappy
Full Member
๐จ๏ธ 9,841
๐๐ป 9,462
December 2010
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Deleted
๐จ๏ธ 0
๐๐ป
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Apr 22, 2016 7:52:13 GMT 1, Slightly late, would have been funnier and more topical in 2008 but always makes me smile.
Paul McCartney coming out of court after divorcing Heather Mills
Reporter: "Sir Paul, do you think you'll ever go down on one knee again?"
Sir Paul: "Bloody hell mate, I've only just divorced her"
Slightly late, would have been funnier and more topical in 2008 but always makes me smile.
Paul McCartney coming out of court after divorcing Heather Mills
Reporter: "Sir Paul, do you think you'll ever go down on one knee again?"
Sir Paul: "Bloody hell mate, I've only just divorced her"
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