Deleted
๐จ๏ธ 0
๐๐ป
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 20:20:47 GMT 1, Whats 8", thick and hard to swallow...
The bible
Whats 8", thick and hard to swallow...
The bible
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Jul 20, 2014 20:46:18 GMT 1, A harmless one from my youth!
A ship wrecked survivor pulls himself ashore on a tiny tropical island. There's a few Palm trees a few rocks, some bits and pieces just enough to support life.
After a few weeks of isolation the guy starts losing it. He starts ranting stuff.
He's shouting "this Island is mine, it's all mine hahahaha!" - So the Seagulls let him have it.
A harmless one from my youth!
A ship wrecked survivor pulls himself ashore on a tiny tropical island. There's a few Palm trees a few rocks, some bits and pieces just enough to support life.
After a few weeks of isolation the guy starts losing it. He starts ranting stuff.
He's shouting "this Island is mine, it's all mine hahahaha!" - So the Seagulls let him have it.
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Morfx
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 2,873
๐๐ป 3,101
May 2013
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Joke of the day, by Morfx on Jul 20, 2014 21:07:24 GMT 1, Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
Ive got a knife,
Now get in the van....
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
Ive got a knife,
Now get in the van....
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Sweetcorn
New Member
๐จ๏ธ 984
๐๐ป 487
January 2013
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Joke of the day, by Sweetcorn on Aug 3, 2014 14:13:10 GMT 1, Police in Paris have revealed that 51Kg of cocaine has gone missing from their central headquarters.
The police chief said at a press conference, "We'll do whatever it takes to catch the culprits, even if we have to stay up all night. And all tomorrow night. And then maybe hit a club or something."
Police in Paris have revealed that 51Kg of cocaine has gone missing from their central headquarters.
The police chief said at a press conference, "We'll do whatever it takes to catch the culprits, even if we have to stay up all night. And all tomorrow night. And then maybe hit a club or something."
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Deleted
๐จ๏ธ 0
๐๐ป
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Aug 8, 2014 21:07:36 GMT 1, my dog Minton ate a shuttlecock today
bad Minton
my dog Minton ate a shuttlecock today
bad Minton
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Deleted
๐จ๏ธ 0
๐๐ป
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Aug 23, 2014 21:57:02 GMT 1, I've just put all my old dogging gear up for sale on Ebay if you're interested. I haven't had any bids yet but I've got 40 watchers.
I've just put all my old dogging gear up for sale on Ebay if you're interested. I haven't had any bids yet but I've got 40 watchers. Link please? |
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Deleted
๐จ๏ธ 0
๐๐ป
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Sept 12, 2014 23:19:43 GMT 1, Two cannibals were eating a Clown,
One turns to the other and says
"Does this taste funny to you ?"
Two cannibals were eating a Clown,
One turns to the other and says
"Does this taste funny to you ?"
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Sept 16, 2014 9:47:33 GMT 1, The following is a reply to a 'punter' who contacted BBC Light Entertainment.
Dear Mr Smith (it goes)
Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show. I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her but before we take this any further I must point out that the name of the show is actually "Fact Hunt".
Please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.
Yours, etc
The following is a reply to a 'punter' who contacted BBC Light Entertainment.
Dear Mr Smith (it goes)
Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show. I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her but before we take this any further I must point out that the name of the show is actually "Fact Hunt".
Please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.
Yours, etc
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Oct 5, 2014 18:49:32 GMT 1, When told that he'd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and colonic cancer, Ronald Reagan said "thank God it's not Alzheimer's
When told that he'd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and colonic cancer, Ronald Reagan said "thank God it's not Alzheimer's
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sky8888
New Member
๐จ๏ธ 251
๐๐ป 115
December 2013
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Oct 10, 2014 14:52:45 GMT 1, A middle aged man goes into a shoe shop and asks to try on a pair of size 5 leather shoes.
The owner of the shop notes that the man has considerably bigger feet than size 5 (probably about a 9 or 10) but is 'old school' and says nothing - just gets a pair of size 5's and watches with total dismay while the man shoe horns his feet into the shoes.
"They'll do" says the man - "I'll wear them, no need to wrap them up. Plus if you don't mind disposing of my old shoes, that will be fine" He pays for the shoes and makes his way in apparently excruciating pain from the shop.
3 days later, the owner of the shop sees the man negotiating his painful way down the street - "Excuse me, sir" he says "but I'm in an absolute quandary as to why you bought a pair of shoes that were way too small but I see you are still managing to wear"
The man, ashen faced and stooped over looks up - "I'm 50 years old; my wife has left me for a woman, who happened to be my boss at work who has subsequently sacked me; I've been diagnosed with diabetes; I'm about to be evicted from my home of 30 years and my dog has just passed away - the only bit of pleasure for me now is when I get home and take these fcuking shoes off"
A middle aged man goes into a shoe shop and asks to try on a pair of size 5 leather shoes.
The owner of the shop notes that the man has considerably bigger feet than size 5 (probably about a 9 or 10) but is 'old school' and says nothing - just gets a pair of size 5's and watches with total dismay while the man shoe horns his feet into the shoes.
"They'll do" says the man - "I'll wear them, no need to wrap them up. Plus if you don't mind disposing of my old shoes, that will be fine" He pays for the shoes and makes his way in apparently excruciating pain from the shop.
3 days later, the owner of the shop sees the man negotiating his painful way down the street - "Excuse me, sir" he says "but I'm in an absolute quandary as to why you bought a pair of shoes that were way too small but I see you are still managing to wear"
The man, ashen faced and stooped over looks up - "I'm 50 years old; my wife has left me for a woman, who happened to be my boss at work who has subsequently sacked me; I've been diagnosed with diabetes; I'm about to be evicted from my home of 30 years and my dog has just passed away - the only bit of pleasure for me now is when I get home and take these fcuking shoes off"
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balibob
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,782
๐๐ป 326
November 2010
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Joke of the day, by balibob on Oct 10, 2014 16:20:37 GMT 1, A woman screams at her husband ' I can't believe you fcuked my sister'
The husband replies ' I walked into the room, she was lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?'
She screams ' The autopsy Harold, the autopsy'.
A woman screams at her husband ' I can't believe you fcuked my sister'
The husband replies ' I walked into the room, she was lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?'
She screams ' The autopsy Harold, the autopsy'.
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Sweetcorn
New Member
๐จ๏ธ 984
๐๐ป 487
January 2013
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Joke of the day, by Sweetcorn on Oct 10, 2014 21:25:23 GMT 1, I played Bonopoly last night.
It's like Monopoly but where the streets have no name.
I played Bonopoly last night.
It's like Monopoly but where the streets have no name.
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Rolex
New Member
๐จ๏ธ 646
๐๐ป 234
May 2011
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Joke of the day, by Rolex on Oct 10, 2014 22:25:45 GMT 1, I played Bonopoly last night. It's like Monopoly but where the streets have no name.
crap joke though  ?
I played Bonopoly last night. It's like Monopoly but where the streets have no name. It took a while, but just worked it out ! crap joke though ? |
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Oct 13, 2014 15:34:52 GMT 1, A guy walks in to a pub and skids on a dog turd that's been deposited on the way into the public bar. Cursing, he makes his way towards the bar trying to scrape the offending muck from his shoe. Almost immediately behind him, the next punter enters the bar and also treads in the muck - nearly slipping over in the process.
The first man say's "I just did that!"
Second man say's "You did that? - you dirty bas***d"
A guy walks in to a pub and skids on a dog turd that's been deposited on the way into the public bar. Cursing, he makes his way towards the bar trying to scrape the offending muck from his shoe. Almost immediately behind him, the next punter enters the bar and also treads in the muck - nearly slipping over in the process.
The first man say's "I just did that!"
Second man say's "You did that? - you dirty bas***d"
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Hubble Bubble
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 4,117
๐๐ป 3,567
December 2010
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Joke of the day, by Hubble Bubble on Oct 13, 2014 20:07:28 GMT 1, A new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve a retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed, and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment, and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of. . . "
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers. The CO can find all that in your personnel file. Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a stupid t**t."
A new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve a retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed, and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment, and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of. . . "
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers. The CO can find all that in your personnel file. Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a stupid t**t."
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Deleted
๐จ๏ธ 0
๐๐ป
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Oct 13, 2014 20:50:27 GMT 1, The Connor Brothers
The Connor Brothers
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balibob
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,782
๐๐ป 326
November 2010
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Joke of the day, by balibob on Oct 14, 2014 10:33:02 GMT 1, I was watching a film with my youngest son the other day and he turned round to me and said
''Dad, is that girl going to die?''
I replied
''judging by the size of that horses cock' yes''
I was watching a film with my youngest son the other day and he turned round to me and said
''Dad, is that girl going to die?''
I replied
''judging by the size of that horses cock' yes''
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Oct 15, 2014 15:11:02 GMT 1, Breaking News.
There's been a major incident in the English Channel. A tanker carrying red paint has collided head on with one carrying blue paint,
50 sailors have been 'marooned'
Breaking News.
There's been a major incident in the English Channel. A tanker carrying red paint has collided head on with one carrying blue paint,
50 sailors have been 'marooned'
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Deleted
๐จ๏ธ 0
๐๐ป
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Oct 15, 2014 15:47:05 GMT 1, Breaking News. There's been a major incident in the English Channel. A tanker carrying red paint has collided head on with one carrying blue paint, 50 sailors have been 'marooned'
Breaking News. There's been a major incident in the English Channel. A tanker carrying red paint has collided head on with one carrying blue paint, 50 sailors have been 'marooned' Where are you doing panto this year trev? |
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bomber88
New Member
๐จ๏ธ 426
๐๐ป 135
August 2011
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Joke of the day, by bomber88 on Oct 18, 2014 20:24:53 GMT 1, The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia whilst trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he needed a second coat.
The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia whilst trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he needed a second coat.
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bomber88
New Member
๐จ๏ธ 426
๐๐ป 135
August 2011
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Joke of the day, by bomber88 on Oct 18, 2014 20:25:42 GMT 1, I've got 69 problems. My girlfriend is a midget.
I've got 69 problems. My girlfriend is a midget.
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Morfx
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 2,873
๐๐ป 3,101
May 2013
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Joke of the day, by Morfx on Oct 18, 2014 21:08:00 GMT 1, On a serious note, I actually thought I had Ebola this morning.. Turns out it was just a Hangover.. Phew
On a serious note, I actually thought I had Ebola this morning.. Turns out it was just a Hangover.. Phew
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Deleted
๐จ๏ธ 0
๐๐ป
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Oct 23, 2014 21:43:35 GMT 1, The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Nov 14, 2014 21:52:31 GMT 1, Man goes into a cafe and orders some lunch. After sausage chips and beans or whatever.
He's asked if he wants a pudding and is shown the menu.
"I'll have the Strawberry Surprise" he says
After he's finished, the proprietor comes to clear up and our man says "excuse me mate, there weren't any str.......
Man goes into a cafe and orders some lunch. After sausage chips and beans or whatever.
He's asked if he wants a pudding and is shown the menu.
"I'll have the Strawberry Surprise" he says
After he's finished, the proprietor comes to clear up and our man says "excuse me mate, there weren't any str.......
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balibob
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,782
๐๐ป 326
November 2010
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Joke of the day, by balibob on Nov 15, 2014 10:55:33 GMT 1, Why do the French only eat 1 egg?
Because one egg is an Oeuf.
Why do the French only eat 1 egg?
Because one egg is an Oeuf.
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Trevorm
Junior Member
๐จ๏ธ 1,160
๐๐ป 763
August 2010
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Joke of the day, by Trevorm on Dec 12, 2014 17:00:35 GMT 1, Question: Who's the most hated football fan attending games in the Bundesliga?
Answer: The guy that gets up and shouts (in German - obviously) "GIVE ME A 'B'" at a Borussia Monchengladbach match.
Question: Who's the most hated football fan attending games in the Bundesliga?
Answer: The guy that gets up and shouts (in German - obviously) "GIVE ME A 'B'" at a Borussia Monchengladbach match.
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Deleted
๐จ๏ธ 0
๐๐ป
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Dec 12, 2014 19:26:29 GMT 1, English cat named one two three racing a French cat named une deux trois Who won?
One two three because une deux trois cat sank
English cat named one two three racing a French cat named une deux trois Who won?
One two three because une deux trois cat sank
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Deleted
๐จ๏ธ 0
๐๐ป
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Dec 12, 2014 19:30:19 GMT 1,
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Deleted
๐จ๏ธ 0
๐๐ป
January 1970
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Joke of the day, by Deleted on Dec 12, 2014 19:41:29 GMT 1, The funniest thing ive watched in a long time!!
The funniest thing ive watched in a long time!! |
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